Wow, I am due in 10 days. It is hard to believe. I can't believe I made it here.
Some days I am totally ready to be done and totally ready to hold this baby, but today I am sad. Today I keep thinking that in a few days, I will never feel him kick inside me again. As I sit here, laid back against the couch because he is so low that sitting forward is excruciating, I am not ready to be done. Tomorrow that will likely change. Hell tonight when I get up to pee for the 6th time and it takes 45 minutes to get back to sleep it will change. But right now its sad.
I know the minute I see him it will be great and seeing him smile and giggle and wiggle will be so much better. But I'm afraid that I might never get to be pregnant again. I'm afraid that our 4 frosties will not get us a 2nd baby. I have been having dreams about them. Not exactly nightmares, but not good dreams. I'm not sure what spurred the dreams, but it has me worried that our little frostie babies might not get Fin a sibling.
And if they don't, I'm not sure I can face IVF again. The thought of doing IVF with a toddler terrifies me. Our geographic location is part of it. I am 2 hours from my RE. I plan to be a stay at home mom. What am I going to do with Fin on monitoring days? How can I be a good mom when the drugs make me cry all the time? Where will we get the money when we will likely still be paying off our first IVF?
All of these things make me scared that I am in the last few days of my only pregnancy. I know how lucky I am to be here and I think that's why I am so not ready for it to end. People constantly ask me is I'm at the point of being so ready for it to end. When I was working, the answer was yes. Now that I'm done (oh yeah, I officially quit my job!) I'm mostly enjoying it. Some things are hard, but not having to do much makes it doable.
But I can't be pregnant forever and I really wouldn't want to be. But a part of me will always miss the amazing feeling of having this little life inside of me.
Hiya, I found you via a comment you left at Linds blog and I would like to congratulate you on your impending arrival. With each of my pregnancies I felt the exact same way as you describe at the start of this post, incredibly joyous that this baby will still be here but miss the Pregnancy bond. The birth and beyond bond will only be intensified so I wish you well with the last few days and wish you a good, healthy, smooth birth. All the best.
ReplyDeleteWow, 10 more days! How exciting!
ReplyDeleteWoohoo on quitting your job :) Hope that goes well. It was such a huge relief for me when I quit mine. Being a stay at home mom is challenging, but it's everything I wanted.
Try to take things one day at a time. I worry about adding a sibling too, especially after he was born, and I consider the what ifs too... but I try to let it go, to worry about it another day. Sometimes it's hard though.
That's a lot to think about! There's something special and precious about carrying a baby (and a bit easier than having them run around!). It's definitely a big change to have them outside of the belly. But I agree - the bonding experience usually deepens. Especially since you plan to breastfeed...there is something amazing about realizing you are still sustaining life outside the womb. You are an incredible woman and you have a great hubby. You guys will figure out the next step for Fin's sibling. Even if you cry all the time, Fin will just learn to give you lots of hugs and cuddles. Heck, it may turn him into a comedian to get Mommy to laugh! I know there is a lot more that goes into it than just that, but you guys will figure it out! You've gotten this far and that was no easy feat! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteThe end of pregnancy sure isn't easy, butnim hesitant for it to come to an end too because we are not sure if this will be our last either. I'm trying to enjoy the salary kicks, etc before he makes his grand entrance. Can't wait to hear all about Fin's arrival. And I'm so glad to hear you're off work!! :). Keep us posted!
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