Wow, I am due in 10 days. It is hard to believe. I can't believe I made it here.
Some days I am totally ready to be done and totally ready to hold this baby, but today I am sad. Today I keep thinking that in a few days, I will never feel him kick inside me again. As I sit here, laid back against the couch because he is so low that sitting forward is excruciating, I am not ready to be done. Tomorrow that will likely change. Hell tonight when I get up to pee for the 6th time and it takes 45 minutes to get back to sleep it will change. But right now its sad.
I know the minute I see him it will be great and seeing him smile and giggle and wiggle will be so much better. But I'm afraid that I might never get to be pregnant again. I'm afraid that our 4 frosties will not get us a 2nd baby. I have been having dreams about them. Not exactly nightmares, but not good dreams. I'm not sure what spurred the dreams, but it has me worried that our little frostie babies might not get Fin a sibling.
And if they don't, I'm not sure I can face IVF again. The thought of doing IVF with a toddler terrifies me. Our geographic location is part of it. I am 2 hours from my RE. I plan to be a stay at home mom. What am I going to do with Fin on monitoring days? How can I be a good mom when the drugs make me cry all the time? Where will we get the money when we will likely still be paying off our first IVF?
All of these things make me scared that I am in the last few days of my only pregnancy. I know how lucky I am to be here and I think that's why I am so not ready for it to end. People constantly ask me is I'm at the point of being so ready for it to end. When I was working, the answer was yes. Now that I'm done (oh yeah, I officially quit my job!) I'm mostly enjoying it. Some things are hard, but not having to do much makes it doable.
But I can't be pregnant forever and I really wouldn't want to be. But a part of me will always miss the amazing feeling of having this little life inside of me.