Thursday, December 29, 2011

I Told Myself I Wouldn't Do This

A friend of mine spent nearly every week in the OBs office. She is a very worry-natured person. She always had something that she was concerned about. And now that her baby is here, her baby has been to the doc more than any other I know. She isn't quite a hypochondriac, but she is close. And proud of it. Hubby & I are often told stories about the terrible outcome of some other friend who didn't go to the doc at the drop of a hat. We are frequently cautioned that if we don't do the same, terrible things will happen.

I have learned to take this all with a grain of salt and make my normal decisions. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle. I am not opposed to going to the doc more than the normal amount if needed, but I'm not going to run in for every little thing. Luckily my mom is an RN and a call to her usually lets me know which way to go.

All that being said, I made a last minute appointment with my OB yesterday and in the end, I am glad I did! I figured they would tell me it was all normal and just to live with it, but that's not how it went. I felt silly, as though I was being like my friend, over reacting.

For the past week or so, I have been noticing that (this is going to get a bit TMI so feel free to skip) my pants and undies were riding up uncomfortably when I sat at work. I was figuring that maybe it was time for maternity underwear. It tried several different kinds, all with the same uncomfortable result. I tried wearing a dress and felt much better.

Over the holiday weekend, the uncomfortable sensations in my lady bits increased. I felt like I was bruised and swollen. We went shopping the day after Christmas and bought a stroller (more on that later). By the second store, I was totally worn out and hurting. The achy, bruised feeling had moved into my inner thighs so walking was less than pleasant.

The internet and my mom both felt that it was likely from the position of the baby. I did find one thing that mentioned an infection causing similar symptoms, but only one compared to the tons mentioning the baby's position.  So I waited to see if it would get better. By the time I got home from work on Tuesday, I was hurting a lot! So Wednesday morning I put in a call to the OB. I talked to a nurse around lunch time and they had me in by 3:30. She told me she was mostly bringing me in to calm my worries :) They are great!

After measuring my uterus, the midwife I was seeing pressed on the ligaments to see if I had pulled anything and sure enough it hurt. So somehow I pulled a ligament that supports the uterus. So from now on, I get to wear a super sexy pregnancy support belt. It is surprisingly comfy, but it makes my belly have a funny shape. Fin is also entertained by it. He seems to like punching it when I sit down. It is super cute.

The midwife also did an exam of the lady bits and she thinks I also have an infection. I'm still waiting for the results to know how to proceed there. But basically, it was not the baby's position at all.

I'm very glad I went. I'm trying to learn to trust my body, but its very hard. IF has taught me that my body fails me left and right, but it seems to be doing well with pregnancy. I need to remember to listen to it more and trust what it tells me. Maybe one day I will...

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Woo Hoo!

Well, as of yesterday, no matter how you count it (on Thursdays which works with the day of conception or on Saturdays which works with how he is growing), Mr. Fin has reached 24 weeks and the point of viability! I keep telling him that even though he might be able to survive it, he should stay inside for at least 14 more weeks.

But we have hit the point where I told myself I would feel more comfortable with buying stuff. And its a good thing because when hubby got home from work one day this week, there was a very large box on the door stop. That big box contained THIS!!!

Its our baby's crib! Isn't it pretty! Currently the box is sitting on the landing between the downstairs and upstairs. We aren't going to get it out until we know if we will be in this house, so it could be a couple of months before I can take a picture of it all put together in our house.

Well, thats about all for now. Hope everyone has a great holiday! Eat lots of tasty treats and enjoy the family time!

24 Weeks and 3 Days!
I took my jacket off for two minutes to take the picture. Its COLD!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Give

Alright, I'm done trying. I failed at the challenge so now I'm done.

And on to other things...

I originally planned to chronicle everything about this pregnancy and I have not totally done that. I have put up my ultrasounds and mentioned the big things, but I'm not keeping up with everything as well as I had hoped to. So I'm going to break down and do one of those less fun bullet posts just to keep records of how this has all gone for myself.

  • Fin is moving around like crazy!!!!! I first felt him around 19 weeks, but wasn't totally sure of what I felt. When we got back from Thanksgiving, I was pretty sure of what I was feeling. In the past 2 weeks though, there is no question. He is a wiggler!!! Anytime I sit or lay down (or apparently talk or write about him) he starts wiggling like crazy. Last night, I'm pretty sure he did a couple of flips.
  • We still have no clue what is going to happen with hubby's job. He is officially out of a job in 2 months!!! He is currently still trying to get the company funded that would allow him to stay here along with applying for jobs all over. So far he has applied in DC, Virginia, Maryland, California & Illinois. The upside of moving to any of those places is they are all much closer to or in big cities so finding a great OB shouldn't be too hard. The down side, I would be finding a new OB at 6 weeks til my due date!!!
  • I'm actually to the point of feeling pretty good most of the time as long as I don't over do it.
  • This past weekend, I over did it. We went to a hockey game in Abq which was nearly a 2 hour drive. Then several hours sitting in the crummy chairs at the arena then 2 more hours home. It was rough. At least I planned ahead and brought protein rich snacks!
  • Sleeping is getting harder every day! I cannot even imagine how I will function in a couple of months!
  • I had a nose bleed nearly every day last week. Its getting really old. Especially since it starts while I am sleeping and laying sort of half on my side and half on my back so it goes down my throat and I end up hocking up nastiness all morning (I know, disgusting, sorry for over sharing).Today I was even late to work because my nose wouldn't stop for an hour and a half.
  • We are having people over for an Iron Chef type dinner where everyone brings something with the "secret ingredient" which is pineapple. Our last one was a big hit (blood orange) so we figured we would try a holiday edition. I am totally stressed out about it. I get off work at 6 and everyone will get here at about the same time as I get home. I like having time to be mellow when I get home. I am worried that I may be too worn out, especially since I have to work the next day.
  • I have already gained the amount of weight that I had hoped to gain in the entire pregnancy! My doc isn't worried, but I'm trying to reign in the less healthy foods, of course Christmas time is not a great time for that :)
Well thats all my mushy brain can come up with. I think its all the blood loss. My head is killing me, so I'm gonna go stare off into space til I get to go home :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I Fail

I suck at these challenges! I'm going to keep trying, but well you have seen how successful I have been so far :)

Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.

An entire summer in Europe with the hubby. That would give us time to hit all the usual spots, plus find some fun off the beaten path places (and of course several weeks for me to get lost in the Louvre).
Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.

1. The above vacation.

2. Hold my baby boy.

3. Learn to weld. Hubby can teach me at some point, but I need the patience to let him and the patience to practice. I have this terrible tendency to want to be great at something the moment I learn to do it. And if I'm not, I tend to move on to a new project.

4. Ride one of those cool zip lines through the rain forest.

5. Have one of my projects featured on a crayola site. Oh wait I just did that :) If you go to the Crayola Play Sand Facebook site, the current project listed is directly from my website!!! I feel a bit famous :)
Day 10 - What is your favorite book?

Impossible to choose. I can't even narrow it down to my top 10.
Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?

This one is repetitive. I already listed thing I wanna do before I die so take three of those and there you go :)
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.

1. Smelly people!!! I work in a customer service area and man, some people stink!! Some its cigarettes, some its bad breath (lots of older folks in my area), some its just bad hygiene. I want to hand out breathe mints & soap as freebies instead of lollipops and pens!

2. Grown ups who consistently baby talk to their kids. I'm fine with some baby talk when they are babies, but when they are toddlers who are beginning to speak, talk to them properly! They learn from you. If you baby talk to them, that is how they will learn to speak.

3. People who assume you political view will match theirs and start complaining to you without verifying if they are bitching about the person you voted or plan to vote for. It happens a lot with customers. They walk in and start complaining about Obama. I'm a democrat. Granted, he could do better, but I'll choose him over Gingrich any day. But my point is, no matter what your take on politics is, make sure you are complaining to someone who isn't getting pissed about what you are saying.

4. Stupid misspellings and people who don't fix them even when Windows tells them that its spelled wrong. And I'm not talking about an occasional missed word. I am talking about the people who constantly misspell words on their FB posts and such. Its infuriating.

5. Having to run pee every twenty mintues. Its not cool that pregnancy makes me SOOOOOOOOO thirsty and then makes me have to pee twice as much! (But I still wouldn't trade it for anything!!!)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Day 6 & 7 with a Belly Shot

Day 5: A picture of something that makes me happy. 

So I of course have several pictures. The two things that make me happiest right now are my belly and Christmas. So pics of both!
After being shocked by our old lights, we went LED this year and I LOVE them! They are so bright!

Our tree and stockings. And yes there are only two of us, but we have the kitties and puppy. I still need a stocking for the pup since he is new to our family this year. I am going to wait until next year to get one for Fin.

22 weeks and one day. AKA Fin and his first Christmas tree.

Me & Lola during "Lola upside down time."  She is a funny cat. And yes that's the messy house I referred to in my list of things about me.

Day 6: Where do you shop?

Mostly We live in a town with one grocery store, a Bealls and a small local departments store. Its an hour to Santa Fe with more stores and an hour 45 mins to Albuquerque with all of the stores. We don't go to Abq often so we usually stick with Santa Fe and Amazon. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Days 4 & 5

Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.

1. A brand new Dodge Charger.

2. A brand new Dodge Challenger for hubby.

3. Design and renovate a room to be an art studio.

4. Kiln for my art studio.

5. Glass blowing lessons.

6. A newer, bigger house.

7. A vacation house in Texas, probably in the Hill Country.

8. A giant whirlpool tub.

9. A pool & hot tub for our newer house.

10. Foosball table (I could get one now, but would need the bigger house first).
Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.

1. I am a messy person. I couldn't stand to live in a house that is super neat. It makes me twitchy. I love my nice messy house.

2. I really miss teaching and wish I could handle being on my feet that much.

3. My hubby calls me a Christmas crack head. I LOVE Christmas time. The lights and the tree and the family. I love it all.

4. I am addicted to feeling the kiddo move! Just in the past 3 days, I have started feeling movements several times a day.

5. I have a hopeless addiction to TV shows with a supernatural theme from the 90s & 00s. Examples: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel & Charmed. I am currently rewatching Charmed on Netflix.

6. I also have a hopeless addiction to trashy romance novels. I tried to keep track of how many I read last year. I know I missed some, but I counted 67 for sure.

7. I am also very cheap in my romance novel addiction. I generally get them from a local thrift store where they usually cost around 10 cents each. I only buy 3 or 4 new each year.

8. I have come to like the snow. I hated the cold so much at first when we moved from Texas, that I couldn't appreciate the snow. But now that we are in our second winter with not much snow so far, I miss it.

9. Garlic bread may be the best food on the planet. And thats not just a pregnancy craving talking. I have always loved it!

10. I am an annoying in between size in almost everything. My pants are too long if I get longs and too short if I get regulars. Larges are too small and XLs are too big in many shirts (except over the girls, there XLs fit). I am even technically in between cup sizes for my bra! I wish clothes fit better.

11. Monkeys are awesome. I know this isn't technically about me, but I guess I could say, I think monkeys are awesome.

12. I'm apparently very boring because this is way too hard!

13. Currently Fruit Loops are my new craving.

14. Even though I like the snow, I really want to be on a beach right now!!!

15. In 5 more minutes I will close my window and head home to a big bowl of chili and cornbread!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


No more placenta previa!!!

Huge sigh of relief. Plus on the way home from the docs, I was talking to my dad and Fin kicked me 4 times in a row! I was totally psyched! I have an anterior placenta so I don't feel as much as lots of ladies by this point. My dad started laughing and said "Well, alright, he loves his old grandpa!" It was really cute.

Unfortunenately now I have no worry to distract me from the big scary prospect of hubby's job ending. We should have some word this week on the possibility of his getting converted to staff, but who knows when the final word will come. His job is over in Feb if he doesn't get converted. So we may be moving when I'm 7.5 months pregnant! And who knows where we would be moving.

So one big yay! I'm just gonna focus on that! Oh and Fin is measuring in the 54% which is GREAT! I forgot to get the pictures scanned, but maybe tonight. We got a pretty cute profile, but mostly the freaky Skeletor face :)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Day 3 & Fingers Crossed

Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Well, lately it doesn't matter because I haven't worn makeup in months. I should restart at some point, but sleep is so much more important :)
I do have a makeup metal lunchbox (it from the show Firefly, yep I'm a nerd). It has a bit of everything from stuff that's exclusively for costumes to my regular powder and mascara. Pretty boring.
Well now I'm off to the Perinatologist!! I get to see Fin again soon. Fingers crossed for a moved placenta!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 2

30 Day Challenge

Day 2: What's in your handbag?

Well, Chapstick (I'm addicted to one specific kind so there are usually 3 or 4 in my purse at any given moment), wallet full of cards & such, Glucose Meter (no GD and my readings are PERFECT!), pink alligator print zipper case with nail file & clippers and such, mini first aide kit, cell phone, fold up hairbrush, lots of random reciepts, and a random trashy romance novel (todays is called The Truth about Lord Stoneville).

In other news, totally unrelated to my purse, today I had my first super dizzy spell followed by a massive hot flash. In the past few days, I have had several hot flashes. I have had several dizzy spells, but all the past ones have been when I got up too fast. This one today was crazy. I was standing at a work station and started having that head swimming feeling followed by extreme nausea. I just stood there. One of my co-workers came back and saw me looking funny. He walked me back to my chair (I could not have made it on my own). After about 5 minutes it was gone, but wow, it was crazy! I'm a bit terrified of driving. If that happened on some of the roads here in the mountains, it would be bad. I'll have to talk to my doc about it tomorrow.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

30 Day Challenge

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
Day 2 - What's in your handbag?
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.
Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
Day 10 - What is your favorite book?
Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.
Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.
Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?
Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?
Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.
Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant?  Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE.
Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility?
Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.
Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?
Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?
Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?

Well, that started out as a snarky statement of my crappy luck, turned into a celebration of great luck. When I started this blog, nothing in my life was going as planned. I had recently found out that I didn't have a crippling disorder that I thought I had for 20 years. While I am totally aware that was GREAT luck, it threw my world into a tailspin. It took a while to figure out who I was. So I consider the 20 years of false identity as the unluckiness. 

Since then we have done IVF and I am now 21 weeks and 3 days. My luck has changed a lot. I still feel like at any moment the old crummy luck will be back, but I am hoping to at least get to hold my little man before it is back.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Why I am Actually Liking my OB

I had heard some stories from several different people that made me leary of staying witht he same OBGYN that I've seen since we moved here. Most included being induced for various reasons that didn't seem good enough to me. But so far, I'm actually loving my OB.

For one, she told me where to order great maternity clothes online :) I know thats not really a  reason to love an OB, but it made me feel comfortable talking to her.

But the main reason that she is awesome is how she treats fertility patients! They allowed me not to get a pap as early in the pregnancy if I wanted to, because of the likelyhood of bleeding. They assured me that the pap was not risky, but that many women who have dealt with IF are worried about any bleeding. I went ahead and got it over with, but I greatly appreciated the option.

When I spoke to the doc about wanting to keep things as natural as possible, she totally understood. She did caution me not to get to set on one direction since birth is different for everyone and things can happen unexpectedly.

We also talked about whether or not I am actually high risk. With the placenta previa I am if it doesn't move, but mostly they call all women who have done IVF high risk. She implied that it is more for our benefit since being high risk gets you more ultrasounds and more monitoring. She expressed that they take it very seriously that we have put so much into getting where we are. She even said that she completely realizes that if we loose our baby, we may never get another chance. We can't just go home and do the nasty and end up preggo again.

I am completely butchering our talk, but it was great and it made me feel like she really understands what we (preggo IFers) are going through. Its an odd place to be. We are so excited to be here, but so scared too.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

MIA Blogger

Wow, I'm not a very good blogger lately. I would love to say that life has gotten in the way and I have been so busy, but for the most part that isn't the case.

This past weekend we had hubby's grandpa's memorial. As far as sad events go, it was as good as it could be. Hubby's uncle lead the memorial. It was perfect for grandpa. He was a scientist and very intelligent. He would have likely told us not to have one at all, but I think in the end he would have approved. The family and friends took turns telling stories. Many detailed his fierce intelligence and many others made us all laugh through our tears.

Our little munchkin had a fairly staring role. Some of the family knew that grandpa had developed the nutrient medium that was used in the first successful IVF (and many later IVFs), but some did not. Several relatives mentioned that we have a legacy with Fin. While technically, the medium grandpa developed was not used in our IVF, the medium that was used was derived from his medium.

Aside from that (and the brutal 7 hour drive to get to Colorado which I do not recommend you making if you are pregnant), not much has happened. Hubby finally finished his big project and now we are just waiting to hear about funding to keep him at this job. Fingers crossed, we should find out soon!

My sister-in-law brought me a huge tub of hand-me-downs from her and my other sister-in-law for Fin. He now has a decent amount of clothes. I can't wait to get some hangers and hang it all in his closet.

Well, thats all I have for the moment. I'll try not to be such a slacker in the near future :)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Half Way Baby!

             18 Weeks, 2 Days                                                               20 Weeks!

Today I am officially 20 weeks pregnant! I think I have been holding my breath to get to today for a long time. I know its not viability, but for some reason I feel so very much more secure now. I'm still leery, but we are now thinking about buying some of the big stuff. We have been collecting small bits so far, but we may buy go buy our stroller and carseat while we are in Colorado this weekend. Not totally sure yet, but we might. 

Now I'm off to pack. We are headed to Colorado for hubby's grandpa's memorial service. I hope you have all had a lovely Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Ultrasounds, Tummy Pics & Placenta Previa

But not necessarily in that order. At the 18 week ultrasound this past Wednesday, the doc discovered that I have placenta previa. For those of you who don't know what that is, well, its not terrible, but its not great. Basically the placenta is too close to the cervix. Luckily its not over the cervix. There is a good chance that the placenta will move up the uterus wall as the uterus grows. We need it to move a bit more than 1 cm farther away. So I'm not worrying yet. If it doesn't move, I will likely have to have a c-sections and could end up on bed rest before that. So here's hoping that it moves! As of now, I have been put on pelvic rest (aka no doing the naughty with the hubby) until I get checked at my next ultrasound on 12-6.

                     16 weeks 2 days                                        18 weeks 2 days
What a difference 2 weeks makes!!! I know that I'm standing differently so it may not be as much of a difference as it looks, but either way, the tummy over took the chest this week. For that matter, I think my chest looks bigger too :)

Finley's heartbeat. 155 bpm. Perfect!

My cute little man! (I love saying that. He's definitely going to be called "My Little Man" a lot!

Semi-cute 3D pic. He was rubbing one eye the whole time! I am surprised that he looks babyish and not alienish. 

Well that's all for today. Now I'm off to start Fin's baby quilt. Maybe. Either that or try to get us ready for our trip to Texas next weekend. Not sure which.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Fin is Gonna Look So Handsome in His New Outfits!

Yep, that means we are having a boy!! I guess I should have stuck with my intuition. I was convinced it was a boy, but then a weird dream made me reconsider and think maybe it was a girl. 
We got him the Built Tough outfit and his Nana got him the other two. Nana sent a box with two sets of gifts, one for a girl and one for a boy (plus the gift reciepts cause Nana is always thinking).

So yay! Now I'm gonna go plan my nursery decorations! We are going to skip the big crib set. I'm going to get plain color or simple pattern sheets. I'm going to make a quilt (featuring monkeys and jungle animals, but mostly monkeys). And I want to choose some of the monkeys and make some cool wall decorations. So now I'm off to be crafty, if I don't start coughing again.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Politics

I'll start off by saying I'm sick so I may ramble or make less sense than usual, but I'm also pissed off. Have you heard about Mississippi's Initiative 26?

If not and you are a woman who has dealt with IF, be prepared to get PISSED!!! And if you haven't read Mel @ the Stirrup Queen's post about it, you should. She is far better with words than I am.

I also want to add, that I don't want this to turn into an abortion debate. We all have our take on abortion. So to that end, any comments that are hateful or hurtful will be deleted.

I am 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant. This fetus would not exist without the help of IVF. This Initiative in Mississippi would take away or limit a woman's right to choose IVF. If IVF is still available under the crazy law, a woman would have to put all of the fertilized embryos in because they might not survive a freeze. Freezing them would be taking their rights away. We have 4 frozen embryos currently. We hope to have two children from them (I know its not a guarantee, but I'm talking best case scenarios here). If it works to have a second child from our first FET, we would still have 2 embryos left frozen since we plan to transfer only 2. But the way this insane law is written, I would have had to put in all 5 in the first transfer. In other words, I would never have done IVF to begin with. No reputable RE would transfer all of your embryos every time! That is an insane risk to the health of both the mother and any possible babies.

Aside from my own personal situation, Mississippi would also like to take away birth control pills. Many pills have several ways of preventing pregnancy. The last line of defense is making the uterine lining "inhospitable." If personhood begins at conception, this type of birth control would be illegal. This type includes almost all methods except barrier methods (condoms, etc..) and abstinence (which lets face it, we were all horny teenagers at one point, so we know that doesn't really work that often).

If I am able to carry this child to full term and I find out tomorrow (yep, a happier post to come tomorrow) that its a girl, I want her to live in a country where she and only she can make choices about what does and doesn't happen in her uterus! If this passes, it will be a truly sad day for our country.

Monday, October 31, 2011

9 Days

Only 9 days til we find out if I'm carrying a boy or a girl. For most of the pregnancy I thought it was a boy, but the other day I had one of those freaky pregnancy dreams that made me wonder. If I'm honest with myself, I'm hoping for a girl. Don't get me wrong, healthy baby is the only thing I'm really asking for, but come on. When I think about a baby shower, I picture cute little dresses and bows. Hubby thinks its a boy. Most of the others around us are thinking girl.

I was confident until that dream. Now I have no clue. I know its 50/50, but its such a big deal. I am so impressed by the people who wait til birth. No way could I do that! If I could have found out the day of transfer, I would have! I can't wait to start planning stuff. The baby's room will be mostly the same either way with just some variations of color, but I feel like I can't start anything til I know.

Not that much will happen for a month or so after we find out. We are going on a trip in November to visit some friends and see my cousin's first baby. Then we will likely have hubby's grandpa's memorial sometime in November as well. Then Thanksgiving. So who knows? I may find out and buy one outfit then do nothing else til after Christmas, but at least I'll know!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

First Belly Pics

                                         12 Weeks                                              16 Weeks 2 Days

I Totally can't find the magenta shirt anymore, but I like this one better anyway. So that's the tummy now. Not too much change, but it feels totally different and is getting ready to overtake my chest. At the rate its going it will do that any day. It makes me smile! Hubby freaked when I woke up yesterday and my belly was noticeably bigger than the day before.

Now I'm off to work on my Halloween costume and decorations. I'll try to post pics, but since I work in a bank, not sure if I can.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Sad Day in Our World

Yesterday my hubby's grandpa passed away. I mentioned in a previous post that he was not doing well. Since then, he was in the hospital and then in a rehab facility. He seemed to be improving and it even seemed likely that he could one day come home again. But sadly that was not the way of things. He went peacefully, just sort of drifted away.

I also previously mentioned that he was a scientist. He developed the nutrient medium that embryos grew in for the early IVFs. As I sit here, pregnant with our baby through IVF, I can't help but think of the saying "When one door closes, somewhere a window opens." His grandpa couldn't have known that one day, his work would help his grandson have a baby, but I know that its helping hubby to know that we have this little one coming that his grandpa helped create.

Hubby's grandma seems to be taking all of this amazingly well. We have all known that it is coming in the not too distant future, but it always still a shock. I know that the moment we lost my grandma was still intensely painful and startling, even though I had sat by her side for nearly 24 hours. Even if you try to prepare yourself, its really not possible. They were married for 58 years. How can you face a life without your partner of 58 years. She is a very strong woman.

So to any of you who pray or meditate or practice any other spiritual time, please think of hubby's grandma and of hubby and family. And maybe throw in our little one. I am even more scared now of what it would be like if we lost it.

Friday, October 28, 2011

16 Weeks (yesterday)! and random updates

Why is it that some weeks seem like a bigger deal than others? Each week has been a celebration including a high five in the morning and a huge hug when we get home. But some seem like a bigger deal. 16 feels bigger. 12 was bigger. Now I am looking forward to 20 (which will be Thanksgiving day).

I feel like now if I tell someone that I'm pregnant and they ask how far along, saying 16 weeks is real. I felt silly saying 12 weeks or 14 weeks. For some reason 16 feels real. I'm sure I'm totally nuts, but hey, I am seriously enjoying this!

In other news, I finally got my work chair fixed. I've been at work for an hour and my back doesn't hurt yet. Maybe this will work! The lady who came also plans to get me a foot rest and get the okay to make a few changes to my station. She is worried that my chair may be hard to use as I get bigger so she is going to recommend that they come back and check in 6 weeks or so once I'm starting to get bigger. This whole chair thing should not have been a big deal, but for the past few days I have had a hard time walking normally without pain. I tend to shuffle for at least an hour after work until everything stretches out. The heating pad has been a close friend lately. Now that this is better, I'm going to make a massage appointment to try to get my back feeling totally normal again. The funny thing is that all the stuff that made my chair painful is all the stuff I loved about it before getting pregnant. It leaned perilously far back and moved around a lot when you sit. It felt almost like a rocking chair. Apparently that's bad.

Hubby commented on my tummy getting hard yesterday. I hadn't noticed, but he said he could feel the difference when we hugged. So of course I spent the evening poking my belly and what do you know! It is quite a bit more firm.

Aside from lots of food aversions and needing to eat ALL the time, I am having very few symptoms. I periodically feel some cramps in my uterus and some stretching of the ligaments, but not for long and nothing that a walk, or occasionally Tylenol, can't fix.

Most of the food aversions have been smell or texture based, no surprise there. I have always had texture issues with food (don't get me started on oatmeal or tapioca pudding). But recently things that I normally liked are causing problems. Hubby made some chicken noodle soup and I thought I was gonna hurl. French fries are the devil. I'm still having trouble cooking cause raw meats are TERRIBLE! Luckily hubby doesn't mind doing the cutting and starting the meal if I take over once its in the pan.

Well that's all the randomness I've got for today. Now I'm off to work on some Halloween decorations. We are doing a pirate theme at work. I have to go make our lobby look like a ship. That should be easy right?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Requested Pics of my Baby Stuff

So as requested, these are all the onesies that I got for $7. All but the dark blue one that says Daddy's Little Monster. That was our first baby purchase!

These were part of it too, but they got washed in a separate load. All said and done, we got 17 outfits for $7! Plus some kids books and books for the hubby.

Monday, October 24, 2011

So Surreal

Last week I went to visit my family in Texas. It was great to see everyone, but holy cow, traveling is HARD! Before I got there I planned much of my time there. As usual, I only have a few days, but have TONS of people to see. So I definitely overbooked myself. I forgot how quickly I get tired. And how often I need to eat. And how important naps are for days I'm up and moving a lot.

Luckily everyone is so happy and excited for us that it wasn't a big deal to change some plans. I did manage to go out and see my mom's hubby's band the day we landed. Luckily San Antonio recently made it illegal to smoke in bars. I was quite impressed that I stayed up past midnight (especially since it was Central time and we live in Mountain time so it was really 1am!). I did of course sleep til 11am the next day. I also visited my grandma twice (and even dragged my brother along once), went shopping with both my step-sisters, had dinner at my sister's house twice, had lunch and dinner with my dad and spent most of a day shopping with my mom. I packed a lot into 4.5 days!

The strange and surreal part is as I was getting dressed the first full day there, hubby was staring at my tummy. I turned and looked in the mirror. I'm starting to show. Its still that annoying time where I just look fatter instead of pregnant, but still! I know that beneath the pudge is a baby. I can't wait for the next couple of weeks as it starts to turn into a real baby bump.

I knew I would be excited, but I had no clue how much. Everytime I walk by a mirror, I have to turn sideways and look.

I also went shopping and bought some maternity shirts. I was really glad I got to go while I was in Texas. For one, there was a much bigger store than we have. And two, I went with my mom and two step-sisters which is much more fun than going alone!

Its starting to feel real. I'm going between thinking "Whew, we made it though the rough part!" and "Holy cow, if things go badly now I will be devistated!" I know that my chances are good at this point. I know that things look good and there is no reason to think I won't have a perfect baby in April, but its so hard to give up worrying.  But I'm trying. I'm thinking about the awesomeness of being pregnant right this second. No matter what, I am pregnant right now.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Very Sad

Yesteday ADSchill lost her twins at 20 weeks. Go give her some love if you can. I can't imagine what she is going through right now.

This is the onefrustrating part about this lovely bloggy world. I wish it wasn't all so anonymous so I could go and do something for her. Not that anything I could do would really help, but well, I don't know what else to say.

The Many Way an Infertile's Pregnancy is Different

I have been thinking a lot lately about the many ways that my pregnancy will be different than it would have been had I gotten pregnant quickly without all of this struggle. I thought I would start a list and probably add to it later on in future posts. So here we go:
  • I feel like there is less of an "unreal" feeling. This baby has been so wanted that as soon as I got that pink line, it was real. If I knew if it was a boy or girl, we would have a name and already be using it.
  • My hubby is actually ready and excited. I was worried that he would never be actually happy about it. It took years for me to get him to agree that we were ready to try. When it finally happened, he looked at me with the hugest grin on his face. I think he was more excited than I was at first. He is already talking to the baby. I didn't expect that.
  • I am so overwhelmingly aware of all the things that can go wrong. I think that lots of fertiles live in blissful ignorance unless they have a loss. But us infertiles have researched and studied and worried. We know what can go wrong. And we know how easy it is to end up on the wrong side of the odds.
  • All of the annoyances seem to bug me less. Granted, when I feel crappy, I complain to the hubby (but that is mainly so he will rub my back). But in reality, after I mentally whine I start to celebrate. Feeling crappy means things are happening. Since I can't feel the baby yet, I need the crappy feelings to assure me that its still in there doing its thing.
  • In some ways I prepared for pregnancy earlier and in some ways later. Because of the IVF, I had to start wearing maternity pants almost immediately. That was terrifying. What if I lost the kiddo? Then I would have these pants sitting here mocking me. So I went and bought stretchy skirts. Not specifically maternity, but totally usable for most of the pregnancy.
  • I ended up telling lots of people about the baby earlier than most non-IFers would. I know that is probably not typical for many IFers, but I was very open about the IVF so lots of people asked. In the end I felt that if I told them about the IVF I could tell them about a loss. So most of the people around me knew about the pregnancy as early a 7 weeks.
  • Today I am 14 weeks and I am very scared of buying anything. After the first trimester, lots of non-IFers start shopping. I have one bag of stuff that I bought and even that scares me (I couldn't resist thought. There was a bag sale at my local thrift store so I got a bag full of adorable onesies for $7). Currently the bag is hidden away in the closet of what will be the baby's room. I keep thinking that once I feel it move, I will be ready, but who knows.
That's all for now, but I'm sure at some point I will think of other things. Do you ladies have any thoughts?

Friday, October 7, 2011

NT Scan including some Pics

All went wll yesterday at our NT Scan. Hubby and I decided that we didn't want all the bloodwork and such so we just had the ultrasound. The baby measured perfectly. No indicators for Downs or any of the other chromosomal issues that can come up. So basically, YAY!

Hubby had not seen the little one since it was just a white blob on the screen. I watched him watch the screen as much as I watched the actual ultrasound. His face was amazing to watch. The sonographer was great. She told us everything that she was measuring and pointed out each different body part. The baby was jumping around and flipping over so much that she had a bit of trouble getting to everything, but in the end, after jabbing the baby (and of course me) several times she got the kid to quit mooning us and was able to get the all important neck measurement. Prefect.

It was so cool to see the kid flipping around. It is very surreal to see and to know that its happening inside my body and yet I can't feel it. I can't wait to feel it!

When she typed in the "Hi Mom & Dad," hubby got huge eyes. I think he realized "Whoa, thats us!"

This one cracked us up. I looks like the kid is kicked back in a hammock with a smoke :)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

How Quickly It Happens

I have become boring. I was talking to some friends that I haven't seen in a few months yesterday. They wanted to know what we had been up to since we last saw each other. My only response was "sleep." And its pretty much true. I am so tired most of the time.

There are a few exceptions. Last night I went into the kitchen to make dinner, but the kitchen was too dirty so I scrubbed. The whole kitchen. And today I am paying the price. I am SOOOO sleepy. Only 45 minutes til I get off work. I might be able to make it without nodding off.

Yep, I'm so boring that I can't think of a thing to blog about. I have two thoughts right now: Sleep and dinner. I'm hoping the 2nd trimester energy will kick in soon. Please, kick in soon.

Oh yeah! Tomorrow is officially 13 weeks!!!! As long as I make it to tomorrow, I have survived the 1st trimester! And best of all...tomorrow is our NT scan so we get to see the baby again!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Thought I Was Done With Needles!

Yesterday I had an appointment at the local Diabetes Center. My OBGYN automatically sends all preggos with PCOS to them for monitoring to prevent Gestational Diabetes. I was all for this since Gestational Diabetes is one of my big fears.

I sat down with the lady and we went over my typical diet (typical since pregnancy). She was actually quite impressed. I seem to be on the right track. She made a few changes, mainly adding things instead of taking them away surprisingly. Her main point was that anytime I eat carbs, I should also eat some protein to help slow the impact on my blood sugar. I can handle that. I am now armed with pecans, cheese sticks and turkey lunch meat.

She also gave me a blood glucose meter (I think thats what its called) and wants me to test my blood sugar 4 times a day. I was so bummed. I really thought I was done with stabbing myself daily. And now 4 times a day! Luckily its not really that bad. It took a bit to get the depth right. I want the needle to poke enough to make it bleed good, but not so much that it actually hurts once the bleeding stops. It also took a number of wasted strips before I got the hang of how much blood it takes.

After getting my results and talking to my mom (who is an RN and has worked with diabetic patients for years), I'm not as confident with the info I was given yesterday. The lady told me that I should test in the morning before breakfast for my fasting blood sugar levels. Today this was 82. She told me that it should be between 60-70. This result has me confused. I am also supposed to test 2 hours after each meal. For this she didn't give me a range. She just said it should be around 120. When my after breakfast result yesterday was 77, I thought "Well crap. My body is doing stuff wrong again. No big surprise." Then after lunch it was 76. I was freaked. I had eaten a good healthy lunch. Why was the result so far from what she said it would be? I emailed my hubby. He agreed that I should call the lady and see what was up.

I called her and told her about my two 70s results. She sounded excited and said "Wow thats great!" If thats a great result, why the heck didn't she give me a range? Why did she say around 120? 76 is not around 120! I call 44 points difference a big one!

When I got off work yesterday I called my mom. She is my go to person for all medical info. Being an RN in various settings has given her a good amount of knowledge on most fairly common medical issues. And living in South/Central Texas (Texas being one of the fattest states) has given her lots of experience with patients with diabetes. I told mom about the days results and she said "Great! You body is doing what its supposed to do!" We were both surprised about that. Mom said that normal results should be between 70 and 110 so I'm not sure where she got that 120 result idea. I think she was giving me the normal for someone with a diabetes. But I'm not diabetic. I thought the whole idea was to keep me from becoming diabetic.

I have an appointment in 2 weeks so when I go back I will try to find out what the heck is going on. Until then I will go with what my mummy says (the internets agree) and celebrate the fact that my body is doing something right!!!!! It was even normal after I ate a doughnut with my breakfast! Yay me!

Monday, September 26, 2011

When Should This or That Symptom Start?

I'm starting to see why some women hate all those pregnancy books. I am definitely NOT fitting those timelines for most things. The books say morning sickness is usually worse in the morning and generally happens from 6 weeks to 13 weeks. Mine didn't start until 1pm. Ever. And it started at 4 weeks and was gone by 10 weeks. Go me. 2 weeks ahead of the game.

Most of the books say, nesting starts around 5 months and often not until later. I'm apparently 2 months ahead on this one too! For the past two weekends, I find myself unable to sit lazily on the couch. As I was watching some random tv show on Netflix, I noticed that the bottom shelf of our living room bookcase was a big mess. Normally I would think, man I should clean that, but end up getting sucked into the show again and forget. Can you tell that I'm not a neat freak? But this weekend, it drove me NUTS! I had to clean it. Then when I was putting away a pair of shoes that was on the floor near the book shelf, I noticed how chaotic the coat/shoe closet was. After two trashbags of stuff to send to the local thrift store and a dust pan full of pet hair (sorry, but how can they shed their own body weight in fur monthly?) the closet is nicely organized and clean. Each project lead me to the next until we ended up with a totally cleaned down stairs (including steam cleaning the whole downstairs). Granted hubby did most of the steam cleaning since I had run out of energy by then, but still. This is not like me.

I am speculating that this instinct is hitting early because we may be moving during the normal nesting time. We are still hoping that hubby will get hired on permenantly at the lab, but the best option would be if his group formed a company. In that case, we would end up moving about 45 minutes away. I am terrified that we are going to end up moving when I am 7 or 8 months pregnant. I feel like it is too early to do much now, but I also don't want to wait because we could me moving. And in reality, we could be moving cross country (New Mexico to DC) if hubby gets any of the jobs he applied for recently. We still have no clue what's going to happen.

So maybe its a really good thing that I'm not sticking to the "typical" timeline. And as my mom would say, its not out of the ordinary for me to be wierd. My nickname as a kids was Gonzo (yep, because of the muppet).

Friday, September 23, 2011

It's Suddenly Real

I've been trying to post this for several days, but work has been crazy.

My OB appointment went great. Most of my worries were taken care of and when I see the actual OB at the next appointment, she can answer my last few questions best. Wednesday, I saw the CNM in the practice. She no longer delivers babies, but I will likely see her for many of my appointments. I'm still not totally sold on these docs purely because there is a very good chance that my doc will not deliver my baby. They have a pool of local docs and they split the on call time. Unfortunately from what I can tell, all of the other docs I was planning to look at are in the same on call pool, so it would be the same situation. When I go back the doc can tell me what percent of her patients she actually delivers.

Talking to the midwife was great. She was not worried at all about my weight loss. We talked about my current diet and my past diet. She felt confident that I was loosing weight because I had made such a big change in a positive direction (aside from the brownies that a customer brought us today).

She planned to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler. But with my extra padding and how early it is, she wasn't able to find it. She looked at me and smiled as she said, "This won't be official, but lets take a peak." As soon as she turned on the monitor, there it was. Its starting to look like an actual person. It jumped around and waved its arms. I instantly got teary eyed as she was pointing out each little body part. It was just a quick peek and then back to the rest of the appointment.

We continued talking about all of my questions. They are also sending me for a first trimester scan at the high-risk OBGYN. That will be October 6th. Its going to be a very long appointment. 1 hour with a genetic counselor going over family medical histories, then the ultrasound (I think its the NT scan) that will take at least 30 mins, then we see the actual doctor then I go for bloodwork. They estimate 2.5 hours!

They are also sending me to a Diabetic Nutrition Counselor. This is the standard practice at the OBGYNs for anyone with PCOS. It should be a good thing to help keep my risk of gestational diabetes down.

After the appointment, as I was checking out, I had a really hard time keeping it together. When I got to my car, I bawled for at least 5 minutes before I could go anywhere. It suddenly felt so real. There really is a little person in me. I was so happy and so scared and so sad all at once. Sad mostly cause it was a surprise ultrasound so hubby wasn't there to see it. I'm still having a hard time processing all of it. My body doesn't do what it is supposed to do. I keep expecting it to fail me again. I guess that probably won't go away til I'm holding a baby.

So there it is, the post I've been trying to write for days.

On another note, I am so happy for so many of you ladies who have recently gotten your BFPs!!! And I am rooting for all of you who are still working toward yours! I'm thinking lots of happy thoughts for you all!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why am I Suddenly Terrified?

I have been doing fine most of the time. Going from one ultrasound to the next was a bit unnerving, but I was nauseous so I figured everything was fine. Now that the nausea is gone, I'm starting to worry. Since the transfer, I have lost almost 30 pounds. At first I wasn't worried because I was so nauseous that I wasn't eating much. Now I'm not feeling so crummy and I'm trying to eat more. All the books say that I should be slowly starting to gain weight, but when I stepped on the scale this morning I was down another pound.

I'm not too worried because I am overweight. By quite a bit. Well it was quite a bit at my top weight, now its down to just overweight. My top weight included 8 pounds of water weight from my retrieval. So I'm really only down about 22 pounds of my actual weight.

But it has been a long time since I was down this low. Like college. Dorm food was helpful for loosing weight. Now its just that I'm eating healthy. Previously we tried to eat veggies, but there were definitely days that we didn't have any. Now I'm often eating a salad (with carrots, cheese, sunflower seeds, chickpeas & ham) for lunch, carrots & cucumbers or apples for snacks and two types of veggies at least with dinner. Most of the carbs I get are from my snacks between meals. Pretzel sticks and the like. Right now I'm munching on some Teddy Grahams. But it still seems strange to be loosing this much weight. I'm almost 11 weeks so thats more than 2 pounds per week of total loss.

Part of me is totally excited about the loss, but most of me is worried. I am now terrified that my doc is gonna flip tomorrow when I tell her.

I'm also just scared. For no specific reason. Just terrified. I'm hoping tomorrow eases my fears, at least for a few days.

Monday, September 19, 2011

What's Been Happening in My World...

Well mostly sleep. I am still trying for 11 or 12 hours of sleep, but its starting to be harder to get. My back has started hurting some, which seems odd to me since the kid is still tiny. But oh well. I am trying very diligently to work on my posture.

I am also going up to my HR department to see how I can get a better chair cause mine is not only crummy, its broken. When I move the back support up to a decent (not good, but better) position, it falls back down as soon as I lean against it. I asked for a new chair months ago, but instead they sent a repair guy who said it was not repairable. They still didn't replace it. We are a small business so its not that surprising. But I'm hoping that being preggo will get me somewhere.

Aside from that, not much is going on with me. Hubby is working lots of long days and weekends in the hopes that a company will be started soon using the stuff that they are developing at work. If this happens we will likely be moving. We won't have to move far (less than an hour), but moving at all is so stressful. Plus it making it so that I can't start to get the baby's room (we have just allowed ourselves to start calling it that instead of the "room full of crap") ready. I'm not ready to get furniture or anything like that, but I do want to paint and do a mural on the closet doors. I also want to buy a closet organizing system so that we can make the most of our tiny closet. But I don't want to do any of that if we may end up moving in the next 6 months. Odds are pretty good that the baby will be brought to this house after its born. But we may move soon after that. Or we may move sooner. Its so unsettled that I'm leery of doing anything. So instead I watch netflix and read trashy romance novels.

Nothing much interesting is happening right now. Hopefully soon hubby will know about his job status, but til then we are in a holding pattern.

I see my OB (well the midwife in her practice) on Wednesday. I am getting a list of questions together. I know lots of people (5) who saw her and were induced to fit her schedule. Only 1 of them really needed to be induced. I will NOT be induced to fit a schedule. I am going to be a pain in the butt if they want me to conform the them. I don't have lots of options for OBs because of where we live. I am hoping to stick with the one I know and have liked as my GYN for years, but I will not take a cookie-cutter treatment. All of the "natural" feeling was taken from me as far as conception. I will fight for what I want as far as care and delivery. I really wish we had a good birthing center.

I feel crazy talking about this stuff now at 10 weeks 4 days. But then I also don't want to change doctors late in the game.

Alright, now my totally random rambling post is done and I will try not to disappear as much soon. I'm still having a hard time with this bloggind about pregnancy without loosing the IF side. I know it has shaped me so I can't really lose it, but I sort of want to. Who knows. Maybe one day I will figure out what I want to say/

Friday, September 9, 2011

Random Updates

I am now off Metformin, Progesterone in Oil & Lovenox!!! I feel so much better without the Metformin. As long as I eat before I get hungry (which super annoys me cause I'm not a snacker), my nausea is almost totally gone. I thought without the nausea I would freak and worry that things were going wrong. Not the case so far. I feel so...strange that there is no question about whether I'm still preggo. Plus all I have to do is listen to county music, start crying and realize that there is nothing to worry about.

My ovaries are still HUGE so I took the leap and bought a pair of maternity jeans (thank you Target for selling on Amazon!). Now I just need some work pants cause Fall is fast approaching. It will be too chilly to wear most of my skirts within the month. I was very scared to buy maternity stuff so early (I'm 9 weeks 1 day) but I'm also too broke to imagine buying a new size of pants then go and buy maternity stuff in a month or two (not really broke, but with hubby's job situation, we are trying to spend every extra penny paying off IVF debt).

Currently my biggest symptom is epic tiredness combined with an inability to sleep well. Its very frustrating. I think all of the animals may get locked out of the room soon. Last night one of our cats, Lola used my bladder as a spring board twice and then started eating my hair. She is a freak, but it made me have to run pee two extra times.

As of this past Tuesday, I graduated from my RE to a regular OBGYN (with an occasional visit to the Hi Risk OB). I am sad that I will no longer get weekly ultrasounds, but glad that things are going so well. I'm starting to think this whole thing may work out.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Blobby has a Heartbeat!!!

Today we had our 2nd ultrasound. Everything is going great! Blobby looks just right. The heart rate is perfect. 146 bpm. I can honestly say that I wasn't very worried. And that is only true because I am feeling crummy most days so I know its still going good.

I got all teary hearing that little heart beat. Why does it seem so much more real now? I still forget that I'm preggo a lot, but when I remember that heartbeat, it feels real again. Even hubby got choked up! Which of course made me even more teary.

I'm still terrified, but I think I'm going to let the cat out of the bag to my family. My folks & siblings know, but not aunts & uncles or my grandma. I'm only gonna tell now so that my grandma gets to know. But as soon as she knows, so will EVERYONE in the southern half of Texas. I'm not sure she does it. She lives alone, but everyone around calls her. It may take a bit longer since she doesn't have a phone in her room at the nursing home yet, but all of the aunts & uncles come visit, so I give it a week. I told one of my aunts because her daugher also used ART (advanced reproductive technology) to conceive. Her baby is due next month.

Well now feel free to look away if you don't want to see our ultrasounds.
Our Blobby is the white shape inside of the black jelly bean.

If you make this pic bigger you might be able to see the heart rate at the bottom. There are little white lines that show the woosh woosh we heard.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Look Out...I'm Grumpy

Just in case you were planning on getting pregnant at the same time as one spouse is in job limbo and two of your grandparents are in failing health, I would encourage you to reconsider. Or at least take a trip to some remote spot so that you don't kill someone.

Combining pregnancy hormones with this much stress is a bad idea!!! I am currently alternating between being very sad (aka sobbing my face off) and being totally pissed (aka super grumpy at the world).

Hubby and I jokingly talked about how we would totally get pregnant this time since his job is uncertain. We compared it to the likely-hood of a teen getting knocked up in the back seat of a sports car. Its an inevitability. But the whole time we did the IVF stuff, I thought that he would be converted to staff at any minute. How could he not be? The project can't keep going without him. Literally. So why do they keep jerking him around?

I prepared myself for the pregnancy stuff. I'm trying not to complain too much about the nausea (especially since I would be freaked if I didn't have it). I'm trying not to let my grumpiness spill over at work (failed on that today, but usually do fine). But you can't prepare for the extra crap that life throws at you. I'm trying not to stress. I getting scared that being this stressed could cause problems with Blobby (yes we are going to keep calling it that until it exhibits some visible features, he he he).

I know that worrying that I'm too stressed is completely counter productive, but man how do I stop? I am trying to lower my stress with little things. I'm working overtime this week so thats an extra $150 to pay on a credit card. Next week is our heartbeat ultrasound, so we have that to look forward to. Hubby bought me a beautiful necklace when he went to Boulder to visit his grandpa. His grandpa is doing much better. He is able to sit up and talk to everyone. He still isn't out of the woods, but things are looking up for the moment. My grandma has a couple of ladies that she knows in her nursing home, so hopefully she will start having a better time and not be sad that her kids aren't with her 24/7 (she tried really hard to get one of my aunts to move in with her, but my aunt has other ailing relatives that she cares for in another city, so my dad and uncle took turns visiting and cooking for her everyday).

Maybe if I keep reminding myself of these things, I can get out of this funk and be happy again.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

We Wrote a Book!

Hubby and I have a tendency to plan crazy schemes to allow us to quit working and do something fun. One of these is that we wrote a children's book. We hunted for agents and eventually gave up. We like it and we know its good, so who needs them!

Hubby (a computer genus, well at least compared to me) has gotten it e-published. Currently the idea isn't to quit our jobs. Its to pay off our IVF!!! We will be paying for it for the next 3 years! Our state is one of the pricier places to get IVF because there is only one doc in the state who does it!

So if you are in the market for a cute kids book, with added humor for the grown-ups, here's the book for you!

Tails of Socrates: The Search for Shorty Beard's Treasure

Its available in lots of formats and its only $3.99!

I Didn't Think It Would Still Hurt...

I am learning that being pregnant doesn't magically fix all of the IF feelings. In my head I knew this, but my heart was taken by surprise. The evil FB had some surprises yesterday. A girl that I went to high school with announced her pregnancy. She got married less than a month ago. About ten minutes after I saw that, hubby told me that his cousin's water broke. His cousin is in her early 20s. She just got married a few months ago.

I thought that I would just be able to be happy for these women. Boy was I wrong. The same old feelings started up. Its not fair. That was way too easy for them. Why not me? I messaged hubby and told him that I was surprised how much stuff like that still hurts. No matter what happens. No matter how many kids I end up having, I'm infertile. That will never change and never go away. I hope it will dull with time, but 6 weeks and 6 days are not enough time apparently.

I wonder if I will feel differently when my belly starts to pop out? Or will it take until I have a baby in my arms? Will it be longer? I hope it isn't too long because we are in that time of life where everyone around us is having babies. I guess almost 30 is that time for everyone.

On another topic, man I wish I could get control of my emotions! It has been so long since my emotions have been totally my own. Since before we started Clomid. The scary part is that it will probably be more than a year before I get some control again.

Currently everything makes me cry! A recent country song about how if heaven weren't so far away we could visit our loved ones. Sappy romantic movies. Futurama made me cry last night!?!?! Granted, it was the episode where Fry's dog was fossilized and it show him sitting out front of the pizza shop waiting his whole life for Fry to come back when he get frozen. I'm getting all weepy just thinking about it.

I'm not surprised that I'm crying a lot. With hubby's grandpa, my grandma and hubby's job situation we have a lot going on. But I'm crying at STUPID stuff! Chock it up as a pregnancy symptom. I do love those, but its annoying. My other two major symptoms are still nausea and breast changes. I looked in the mirror this morning after I got out of the shower. My nipples are HUGE! When did that happen? I know they were a bit bigger, but now they are literally huge! I think I'm going to have to shop for new bras soon. I hate bra shopping with a firey passion! Usually I know what fits and order it online.

Oh well. Guess I better get to work. Stuff to do.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Grandma & Grandpa

I started this post nearly two weeks ago. Since then I am a bit less worried about my Grandma and more worried about my hubby's Grandpa. We have known for a couple of weeks that his Grandpa was in the hospital. We just found out today that he is now in ICU. He has been in such bad shape that they had to restart his heart. In the past few hours things have gotten a bit better. They are now talking weeks or months as long as there is no brain damage from his time before his heart was restarted. 

My poor hubby doesn't know how to handle this. He still has all four of his grandparents. The only other time that I have seen my hubby cry is when we lost our pup Socrates. I wish I could do something to help him. Please think happy thoughts or pray or whatever it is that you do. I really think hubby needs a chance to go see his Grandpa at least one more time. I hope he gets one.

And not back to my original blog...

It sucks to be one of the youngest children of the youngest child. My grandma is 94. My dad was her youngest. We lost my grandpa years ago and it seems more and more like we will lose grandma soon. I am terrified. Losing grandma will be so much worse than any of the others. She is my last grandparent. It will be like losing them all again. I am so sad that none of my kids will get to know their great grandparents. I know that a lot of people do not, but my grandparents are so very different than anyone else I know. I really want my grandma to at least get to see my baby. We are waiting to tell her about the baby until after we hear a heartbeat since she will be so excited that she will tell everyone. We originally planned to wait until the end of the first trimester, but I am too worried. I want her to at least know about the baby in case she doesn't make it that long. Her health has been failing so much lately. She doesn't seem to want to go on.

Both of my grandparents are adorable. Grandpa looked just like the guy in the American Gothic painting, only happier. He wore blue & white striped overalls everyday except Sundays. Grandma made herself  homemade dresses out of cute calico prints with pretty ricrack trim.

I grew up living next door to grandma & grandpa. I got off the school bus everyday at their house. Grandma would have some sort of tasty food ready for me. She made homemade bread every other week or so along with homemade cinnamon rolls and super tasty buttery rolls. Some times it would be crumb cake (coffee cake with a cinnamon crumble on top). After a snack, grandpa and I would go out and feed the cows. Did I mention I grew up on a farm? It was a GREAT way to grow up!!

Both of my grandparents would have been perfectly happy living in the 1800s. They both had that "work til its done" type of work ethic although grandma never had a job outside of the home. Instead she ran the house and sewed (a quilt for each major event, i.e. high school graduation, college graduation, marriage & first baby, for all 12 of her grand kids!)

Grandma is now in a nursing home, newly as of this week. We are hoping that being around more people will be good for her. She knows several of the ladies there from a long time ago. Right now she is alternating between good and bad days. Dad is going to call me this week when he goes to visit so I can talk to her. They haven't had a chance to install a phone line yet.

Now I have a few pictures to show you all...

This is me & Grandma on her 90th bday 4 years ago.

 Me & Grandpa when I was little eating some of Grandma's tasty food.

Me in a homemade dress that Grandma made for me. She had one that was just like it.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

6 Weeks!!!

Blobby is officially at 4 weeks which puts me at 6 weeks pregnant! It seems like a strange way to count, but I guess it make sense for the fertiles :)

I learned a very important lesson today. Just say no to the chinese buffet!!! I am so stuffed that I feel terrible! I so need to stick to the many small meals rule. I am not by nature a snacker. I think I used to be (as in when I was growing up at home), but in my many efforts to shed the pounds over the years, snacks have gone away. So now it seems so strange to always have my stash. It is almost like my  stomach can never be empty or full. If it is empty, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, my tummy gets very upset. If it gets too full, I start to feel nauseous.

Now that all the directly preggo related stuff is out of the way, I need to stress out a bit...and to those of you in our family, don't give hubby a hard time about this. He is super stressed! And please don't mention my scared rant either!

Some background before I get to the really scary part. I'm a bank teller. I make very little money. I used to be a public school teacher. I made pretty good money then. When we moved from Texas to New Mexico I basically took a 20k pay cut. But the hubby's job more than made up for that. He went from being a broke grad student to a physicist post-doc at a national laboratory. Scientist at national labs make good money.

Post-docs are generally only for two years. This coming October will be the end of hubby's 3rd year. Since the end of the second year his bosses have been promising that he will probably be able to be converted to a full staff member. If this happens, his salary will be about the same as both of our salaries right now. So I can stay home with Blobby. That has been our plan since we started trying. He has been assured along the way that it will totally happen.

Well October is 2 months away!!! And currently they are still saying that they want to convert him, but right now there just isn't the money. They can keep him for a 4th year as a post-doc. If this is what happens, I will have to try to find a better job so that we can afford to have Blobby in daycare. Currently my job would barely cover daycare and our insurance. I would basically have no paycheck since a good bit goes to our FSA and a good bit to my 401K. Hubby also puts lots into his 401K. So I guess we could take that down to a lower level for a while, but I hate to do it. It seems like one of those things that once you stop, you never start back up.

So basically my stress is this: hubby's job ends in two months. They say they will extend his post-doc, but they have also been saying that he will be converted to staff for the past year so I tend not to believe anything that "they" say. I am now in full badger mode. "How many job applications have you done today? Only 3! That's not enough!" (I really say "Hey baaaybeee, have you done some applications? Oh good!") I also told him that with this short of notice, he should look here at the lab or in San Antonio and Dallas where we have family that could help us move or that we could stay with. I'm trying not to show him how scared I am cause as it is he hasn't been sleeping much, but holy crap! I'm terrified!!!

Okay, now its off to look for higher paying jobs just in case!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Few More Things...

I forgot to mention that as expected, my ovaries are still HUGE. They dwarf the baby!!! I have to continue the Lovenox because of this, but the blood flow looks good so now worries there. Also I get to go off the Estrace (Estrogen) and go down to half the dose of my PIO injections. I was hoping I could stop the injections, but at least with a half dose it will last lots longer. That stuff is pretty pricy! And of course not covered by insurance!

So all in all, everything is as good as could be expected. Yay for things working! I'm going to try not to get used to it. I'm sure my body will figure out a way to screw things up!

On the pregnancy sypmtoms front, I think I have them all!!!
  • I still haven't started throwing up yet, but the queasiness is starting earlier and earlier each day. Currently it runs from around 10:30am to 7pm. So basically my whole work day!
  • I think my boobs have started growing. My bra was a bit tight, but I'm not busting out the top yet. My nipples twinge at very random moments. They hurt most of the time. Hubby says they are darker, but I don't see it.
  • I'm sleeping around 11 hours a night. I usually go to bed around 8:30pm! And I may start taking a nap at lunch.
  • I have an upset stomach most of the time. Could be pregnancy. Could be Metformin.
I was anxious to get some symptoms. I'll be more careful of what I wish for next time. I don't mind these symptoms, but piled ontop of the grossness of the Hyper-Stim that is still lingering, I feel pretty gross and none of my pants fit! I'm totally confused by that cause I have actually lost several pounds. Oh well. I'm back to wearing all skirts and dresses like I used to. Plus its a good excuse for shopping.

We Have a Blobby!!!

We had our first ultrasound this morning. We officially have a little blobby! Too early for a heartbeat, but everything looks good. I'll try to post the ultrasound pictures later, but there isn't much to see. The pics are very grainy.

They gave me the option to come back in a week and see the heartbeat or to wait and come back in two weeks. After much mental deliberation, I have opted for the two weeks. I'm sure that once next Tuesday rolls around I will be kicking myself in the butt. My thought process was to wait another week so that I can see more changes in our little blobby. Maybe next time the pictures will show a bit more.

Now back to work....


Holy cow! This is my 100th post!!!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Fun with Blood Thinner

If you don't wanna see some nasty bruises, you may want to skip this one. I'm mainly documenting all this fun nonsense for myself.
If you are still here, the pic below is the biggest of my belly bruises. I was trying to get a pic of all the bruises, but didn't want to show that much of belly :) This one was SO much worse a while back. It was so bad I took a pic and texted it to my mom (who is an RN) just to make sure something wasn't seriously wrong. Thanks Lovenox!

 The next one is super blurry. We had a bit of an adventure yesterday. We went to a concert that started at 8pm in a town 2 hours away. I do my shots at 7pm. So we got to do the shots in the parking lot of a Taco Cabana. The Lovenox went okay except for a big spurt that shot out from the altitude chance from home and the parking lot (about 1500 feet difference in altitude). For the PIO injection the needle wasn't attached all the way so when the hubby started injecting it, it busted all over me. After several profanities from the hubby, he pulled the needle out and we started cleaning up. He then reloaded a new one and tried again. Something about the fun of the explosive shot made it bruise like crazy. Plus it bled extra so I also have the nice pink band aid shape since the sticky stuff breaks me out. Enjoy!

Now on to more fun stuff!!! Last night we saw Aaron Lewis of Staind in a solo, acoustic concert. It was EPIC!!! For one, I love Staind and I love their songs when done on acoustic. It was amazing. And it turns out that Aaron Lewis is hilarious. He was snarky and made funny replies to all the silly stuff morons shouted. Then he said he was going to do a cover song that encompassed Tool, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and several others. Everyone was totally excited. We had no clue what he was going to sing. Then he starts off in a girly voice singing Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. It was too funny, but he actually did a surprisingly good version!

Oh and in case you were wondering, I'm 5 weeks & 2 days today! I totally forgot that I had a digital preggo test. When I saw it of course I had to use it to see it say...

Not that I was worried cause I'm still feeling like I may puke at any moment for the second half of everyday. Thank goodness for mornings or I would get nothing done! I have also had to start eating every two hours or so. If I don't, I get very queasy and my stomach yells at me. So far nothing has been too bad. Ginger ale helps. 

And now I'm gonna go lay on the couch some more. If I don't move, I'm not queasy.