Monday, July 18, 2011

Am I the Only One?

From time to time in my life, I have this frustrating feeling that I did something wrong. That one decision I made will spiral out of control and ruin everything. It feels like everything is out of place and nothing I can do will fix it. I don't know what brings on this feeling. I don't know how to end it. Crying doesn't help. Watching sad movies doesn't help. Hanging out with friends will help temporarily, but once they are gone the feeling is back. It ends up taking over my brain so much that I am not only questioning my recent decisions. I start wondering if I choose the wrong major in college. I start wondering if I should have gone to a different college. I start wondering if I should have gone to prom instead of going to the out of town art competition. How would my life be different if I had done any of these things differently?

At some point I will realize that all of these decisions led me to my wonderful hubby. At some point I will realize that if I wasn't here I probably would have ended up teaching art at my old high school which used to be good, but the neighborhood has gone way down hill. Last time I was in Texas, a police offices was gunned down in his car for no apparent reason, less than a mile from the school.

But for now, I still feel like something that I can't put my finger on has gone wrong. Maybe this time it has to do with my fear that this IVF cycle will fail. Or the meds and my weepiness today.


  1. First off, the meds mess with your head! You are completely normal to feel sad or weepy that you have to go through this.

    Secondly, even IF your life would be completely different (which I don't think it would be) if you had made other choices, can you do anything about it now? You can't exactly go back in time and change your major and your college of choice, so try not to spend time worrying about it.

    You are making great choices for the here and now, and isn't that what matters?

    Hang in there. You are doing great!

  2. It could be the meds and stress from the cycle (*hugs*)

    I have to deal with my depression a lot, I had it before IF and it got way worse after. I don't so much wonder about my choices I've made, but about the choices I'm going to have to make. So I can't relate entirely, but at the same time I can.

  3. I do this to myself too. Sometimes I get caught up in the past and keep wondering how things would be different if I had changed x, y, or z. I always end up in the same place as you though. Things that seem like regrets or mistakes must somehow have been meant to be because I'm so glad that I ended up where I am with Hubby and Bean. Even the infertility journey feels like it was part of that plan to me even though it is so incredibly hard. You are so not the only one, hang in there!

  4. I totally understand what you mean. I have felt this way many many times. Sometimes I want to cry then I want to laugh and right after I want to scream. Ugh... It's ok to feel this way. Don't think ur the only one. Hang in there! Big hugs!

  5. They aren't kidding when they call infertility an emotional rollercaoster. (Hugs) Hang in there girl, you aren't alone and we all feel like this at times.

  6. Please be encouraged - what you're feeling is normal. It's all about the meds and cycling and the feeling of being where you are right now - powerless. You want something you can count on - something to look forward to so you don't have to think about the past. Treat yourself like you would your best friend - gently and with compassion.