From time to time in my life, I have this frustrating feeling that I did something wrong. That one decision I made will spiral out of control and ruin everything. It feels like everything is out of place and nothing I can do will fix it. I don't know what brings on this feeling. I don't know how to end it. Crying doesn't help. Watching sad movies doesn't help. Hanging out with friends will help temporarily, but once they are gone the feeling is back. It ends up taking over my brain so much that I am not only questioning my recent decisions. I start wondering if I choose the wrong major in college. I start wondering if I should have gone to a different college. I start wondering if I should have gone to prom instead of going to the out of town art competition. How would my life be different if I had done any of these things differently?
At some point I will realize that all of these decisions led me to my wonderful hubby. At some point I will realize that if I wasn't here I probably would have ended up teaching art at my old high school which used to be good, but the neighborhood has gone way down hill. Last time I was in Texas, a police offices was gunned down in his car for no apparent reason, less than a mile from the school.
But for now, I still feel like something that I can't put my finger on has gone wrong. Maybe this time it has to do with my fear that this IVF cycle will fail. Or the meds and my weepiness today.