Well, I am heading home to Texas tomorrow for a visit. Unfortunately that means that I will not be very good at commenting for the last two days of ICLW. I'll try to do better next month. I'm going to try to keep posting my daily challenge posts, but since I don't have a smart phone and most of my family has unreliable internet, no promises.
Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend! Go hug a soldier!
I'm terrified of birds. It began as just chickens (after a childhood rooster attack) then owls were added after being buzzed by one in high school (when I say buzzed I mean that it flew so close to my head that my hair wooshed back with it) then geese (after being chased by a friends in High school). Now its just about any bird. They are dirty, creepy little buggers and I don't like them.
I'm terrified that one day my hubby will wake up and realize that he made a mistake marrying an over-weight, sickly girl who can't give him a baby (I know, I know, it will never happen, but I still have a small voice making me think it).
I'm terrified that I will never find a career path that I like. I don't want to stay where I am now, but I don't know where to go from here.
I'm terrified of not having any kids. I can't imagine our life without kids.
Currently I am getting pretty scared that the hubby will not be converted to a staff position. He works at a national laboratory as a Post Doc. His Post Doc ends in October. We are hopeful that he will be converted to a full staff member at that time, but the funding isn't there yet. So we are waiting for several proposals to come back. If he doesn't get converted he can do another year as a Post Doc, but if we get pregnant, we would not be able to afford for me to stay home with the kiddo. If he is converted his annual salary would go up to about what we both make now. Fingers Crossed!
Loosing my hubby. I don't think I could handle it.
Car accidents. I have been in 4 of them (only one minor one was my fault and we had no damage to either car). I've had family members in several serious accidents. I am very wary.
Have I mentioned that I'm obsessed? I try to do other things. I'm rereading a series that I love. We are doing major kitchen construction. I'm going home to Texas in two days. But still I'm obsessed.
I keep researching to see if I can find the IVF meds cheaper. We are currently going with Make Me Fertile out of Israel. I felt a bit strange about it at first, but then I called them and the guy was super knowledgable and helpful. So here we go. I applied for a new credit card that has 18 months interest free. So as long as I pay $120 per month, I will never have to pay interest on the meds.
I have spend around 6 hours so far today reading other IF blogs. Currently I found a lady who just had a little girl. So I went back to the beginning of her blog and am working my way to now. I find that if I know there is a happy ending, I can read about her 3 miscarriages much more easily.
I just keep thinking "If it works the first time, I will have a 5 week old baby by this time next year." I really need to not let my hopes get so high. I can't handle the disappointment. We can only afford to do this once. We have one fresh and one frozen cycle. Thats pretty much it. If we don't get a baby from either of those, we have to stop and rethink. We will be paying for these cycles for 3 years. Ideally we will pay them off early, but I'm not counting on it.
I have no idea what we will do if it doesn't work...
My hubby! I love him more everyday! Especially yesterday when he held me as I cried cause my morning was just terrible. He just held me and stroked my hair. He is the best hubby a girl could ask for.
My kids, aka Cali & Lola the kitties and Branigan the pup (and Socrates, the pup who died nearly 2 years ago. I still love & miss him tons).
My family. Unfortuntely I don't get to see most of them that often since they are in Texas.
Art supplies! It doesn't matter what kind. I love them all!!! From the cheapo little watercolors you used in elementary school to the super expensive metal working supplies. My biggest problem is that I want to learn how to use them all, so I never get to be an expert in most of them.
Hobby Lobby. As an extension of #3. I can spend hours wondering the store, thinking of projects to do.
Doing projects with my hubby. Currently we are deconstructing and reconstructing our kitchen. I'll do a post about our crazy 70s kitchen soon. We have also written a children's book together (we are currently looking for an agent), remodeled our backyard, tiled most of our downstairs, started a non-profit corporation and done countless other smaller projects. We always have at least 3 projects in the works. We don't know the meaning of the word bored!
Chocolate. Need I say more?
Sonic drinks! Nothing hits the spot better than a Route 44 diet Sprite with Blue Coconut!
I've got my calendar. I'm ordering meds tomorrow (from overseas so we have to give extra time for customs). I have my days off set up. Thankfully I have a VERY understanding boss who doesn't seem fazed by my "I may need any of these 10 different days off, but won't know til the day it happens" schedule.
It is starting to seem more real. I am trying VERY hard not to get my hopes up. If I get my hopes up and it doesn't work, I will be crushed. Even if I don't get my hopes up, I will be crushed if it doesn't work, but maybe it won't be quite as bad as if I start planning out the non-existant baby's room. So for now I am operating on the "Do lots of stuff that will make pregnancy an inconvenience" plan. I am piling anything I don't need in the extra bedroom. That will be super annoying if I do get pregnant and need it for a baby's room. I am buying snug fitting clothes. I even plan to buy some new jeans. All things that I won't be able to wear if I'm preggo. I'm looking around at jobs. I don't want to change if I do get preggo cause once I have a little one, I plan to stay home. But if the IVF doesn't work, I plan to change jobs. So I'm looking and wouldn't it be annoying if I found my dream job, but got preggo so I didn't take it?
So I am doing all these thing because in a part of my mind, I think that is I am prepared I will jinx it. But if I give myself extra stuff to do if it happens, then maybe just maybe it will happen.
Since this is ICLW week, I thought I would do this 10 Day Challenge to help me post more often as well as to help all of you get to know me a bit.
So for today 10 Secrets:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I wanted to teach, but my feet won't let me. So now I am stumped.
I wish I was better with power tools. I have worked my way up to using a cordless drill, but all of my hubby's saws terrify me.
A small part of me wishes I still loved on a farm, cows & all.
When I am alone in the car on long drives (like the drive to see my RE), I often relive fights or arguments that I have had. Its always so much easier to come up with great things to say then.
I am a LOT like my mom (shhh, don't tell anyone)
The branch that I work in is so small and so often slow that I have read 20 novels so far this year.
I adore reading trashy romance novels. This isn't really a secret, I suppose. But I do try to hide it when I'm in a waiting room or some other public place. I try to read "literature" but I always end up with a trashy romance.
I still love all the vampire movies and books (with the notable exception of the Twilight crap. Vampires should NOT twinkle). I am currently rereading the whole Anita Blake series. I feel like this should be a secret since I'm not 17 :)
I never met my maternal grandfather and from what I have been told, I didn't miss anything. My paternal grandpa was awesome enough to be two grandpas. I think I may need to do a post about my awesome gramdpa at some point.
If you see or talk to me in the next month, there is a good chance that I will be thinking some not so nice things in my head. I have so far managed to keep all the toxic thoughts in my head, but I am worried that they will spew out at some point. If they do, sorry! The birth control I am on is making me into a total bitch and I can't seem to do anything about it.
I have been reading a lot of different women's thoughts on how IF has impacted their lives. This has me thinking about what has changed for me. I know that those around me understand that this is a hard path. They are loving and ask how we are doing. They do everything they can, but the one thing they can't really do is truly understand how this makes me feel. So I wanted to put together a list of thing that are impacted by infertility that you don't think about until it happens.
One of the big ones is that sex either becomes a chore to be done in a certain way or at a certain time. Now that we have moved onto IVF, this isn't so much of an issue, but when you are trying naturally you don't get to be spontaneous. You have to do it exactly when you have to do it. Even if you have heartburn or feel crummy. It can lead to less than awesome interludes.
Huge feelings of inadequacy come into play. Would he love me more if I could get pregnant? Has he ever wished he married someone else? Someone who could give him a baby naturally? (since some of both my and the hubby's family are probably reading this, I want to say that he has never given me any reason to think this, it just pops into your head sometimes)
The conversations we have. We still talk about other things, but not as much. IF has invaded my brain and taken over.
Shopping. It is really hard to even walk past the baby section of a store without crying. What if I never get to shop there for my baby?
Thoughts on pregnancy. I no longer think about morning sickness as something to dread. I can't wait. I hate thowing up, but that pukey feeling means I have a baby in my belly. Bring it on. Even thoughts of the acutal birth aren't as scary. Look at all the stuff I am putting myself through now. If I can handle all these hormones and all this probing (what we affectionately call vaginal ultrasounds in our house) I think I can handle anything (but I do reserve the right to change my mind later :)
Excitement about other babies. I currently have three preggo cousins and two preggo good friends. I have to force myself to be excited about their babies. And sometimes, I just can't do it. Planning a baby shower for one of the friends is REALLY tough!
My fear of needles. I am now doing blood work super often, allergy shots (not related to IF, but still) and acupuncture weekly. I may turn into a sprinkler if I drink too much water, but needles don't bother me much anymore.
I am sure there are more, but that is what I can think of right now.
I'm not sure why, but I have been avoiding posting about whats happening with my cycle and such. I am just SO annoyed.
Here is a short summary of what led me to where I am right now: In April Letrozole seemed not to work for me. Lots of tiny follies, but none big enough. So after that we decided to move on to IVF. We were going to be doing it in June, shooting for a transfer the 3rd week of the month. So I plan a calendar with the IVF coordinator and go pick up my birth control pills aka. BCP (I find it amusing that the first step of IVF is birth control). I scheduled my hysteroscopy and the hubby's Halo S/A. And the day I was going to start the BCPs, I ovulated. Wasn't expecting it. Was really pissed that it happened at exactly the wrong time. Spent several days asking why my body hated me so much.
At this point AF has come and gone. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy (little camera into the uterus). I had one 5 months or so ago. My RE does a hyst to check for polyps and blockages before the IVF. The hubby will also be going into do his Halo S/A. This is to check for mutations beyond what they do with the normal S/A (at least thats what I seem to remember them telling us). After our appointments, we meet with the IVF coordinator to get our calendar and order our meds. Then we also have to go get blood tests (STDs and various other things they require before doing IVF). Hubby had the audacity to whine about having to get blood work done. I can guarantee he won't do that again :) He also complained because I am not letting him ride his bike (can't let his boys get too hot). He seems to forget that I'm not the only one with fertitlity issues.
On the meds note: Has anyone out there ordered meds from http://www.ivfmeds.com/ or any of the other online places? I would really like to not pay as much. We are already going to be strapped pretty thin with a $471 montly payment to pay off the IVF. Luckily I set up a flexible spending account so I can get some of that without paying tax on it. I would love to save on the meds, but I'm also concerned about quality.
It seems like thats all I can do lately. I am starting to get annoyed with myself. But so much has happened in the last two weeks. I can't seem to process it all.
I am now heavily into planning my friend's baby shower. We will call her S. As you can imaging, its not the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Luckily I am working with a lady who knows the perfect way to make me feel better. Alcohol & snarkiness! We sat together last Saturday for 5 hours making invitations (yep making by hand) sipping drinks and talking a lot of trash. It made the whole process much easier.
Then on Sunday I had to go shopping with the friend whose shower we are planning. She needed to go register and has NO CLUE about anything baby. Another friend was supposed to go to so I could back out if needed, but that friend ended up spending the weekend hugging the toilet with food poisoning. So I felt like I couldn't leave S alone in a world she is unfamiliar with. I have at least babysat and know what most of the stuff is. So we spend 3.5 hours wandering though Babies-R-Us. Can you say "Living Hell?" I must have seen hundreds of preggo ladies! And hundreds more babies! (Okay so maybe not hundreds, but a lot)
And to make it all worse, it was Mother's Day. This was supposed to be my first Mother's Day with a kiddo. That was the plan. But instead I am stuck in this hellish place. Limbo. All I can do right now is wait. So Grumble, Grumble, Grumble.
Since it was Mother's Day I of course called my mom. And as usual she filled me in on family news. She knows how hard it is for me to hear preggo news so she asked if wanted to know first. I of course had to know once she said that. One of my trashiest cousins is preggo. In a previous post I mentioned an incident where one cousin pushed a table into my grandma. Well this girl is the sister of that cousin. She is two years younger than me and already has one kid (father is totally unknown as is the father of the new one). My mom then made a joke about this being her replacement baby. Apparently, her first son is now in foster care after being taken away by the state. (I am fully aware of how bad my mom sounds for making that joke, but its one of those laugh or cry situations) I am totally not surprised that her kid was taken away. At my wedding two years ago he was around 3 years old. He pushed his stroller out onto the dance floor and started pushing it into all of the dancers and laughing when it hurt them. My hubby ended up taking the stroller away from him and he ran off crying. His mom and grandparents were laughing about what he was doing. Between that and knowing that when she got pregnant the first time, she didn't know who the father was because she was working as a prostitute, I am so not surprised that he was taken away. (Yes a bit of pruning on the family tree is in order)
It is so karmically unfair that someone like her can be working on another baby to be taken away while there are millions of us who would lovingly care for a baby, are unable to have one. Sometimes the universe just sucks!
The hubby is out of town and I always tend to get weepy when he is gone. I knew that I shouldn't, but I put on Sweet Home Alabama. It always gets me. I'm a total southern girl. I know that going from rural San Antonio to the Dallas Metroplex isn't that big of a change (from rural Alabama to NC) but it was still a big change.
So I feel a good connection to the movie. And aside from that, the part when she goes to the pet cemetery and talks to Bear is just heart breaking. When I started this IF journey I had my puppy Socrates. He passed away just over a year ago. When he died I was lost. He knew me so well. He knew exactly when I needed him. And now he is gone. It been over a year and I'm sitting here bawling about it.
Our new pup Branigan is great. The problem is that he is the same color as Socrates. He is a similar size. He is also super sweet. But he makes me miss my puppy even more. He even makes oinky sounds like Socrates did.
So now that I started this pity party, I'm going all the way. I started watching the last episode of Gilmore Girls. I really wish I had Untamed Heart on DVD. I started crying, I need a good final cry. Maybe this will do it. I don't know why I am feeling so melancholy, but there it is.
I miss my pup. And I'm saying this while cuddling with the new pup. I can't wait til he stops being the new pup and starts being just the pup. I know he is gonna be endless comfort during this crazy journey.
***Turns out Gilmore Girls was a stupid choice. I spent the whole time crying about how I want the chance to be that great of a mom. So ladies, be smarter than I am at video choices.
I have been lucky enough to be given an award thanks to BMar at Cloudy with a Chance of Infertitily! I am quite late on posting about this award, but I've been in a mood lately. So without further ado...
So how this works...
Snatch the image. Check!
Link back the person who gave you the award. Thanks BMar from Cloudy with a Chance of Infertility!
Share 7 things about myself
Award 10 other bloggers and contact them so they know they’ve won.
Seven Things about Myself:
I am really an art teacher, even though I'm currently working at a bank.
I am married to a guy with a physics PhD.
I grew up on a 300 acre farm.
My mom drove the school but that I rode from Kindergarten to 5th grade (which made life in Middle School hellish).
Even though I have lived in New Mexico for 4 years, I will ALWAYS say I'm a Texan!
I am obsessed with Elmer's Glue All (not Elmer's School Glue, its too watery). I have a list of nearly 50 things that you can do with Elmer's Glue All. The things range from art projects to home repair.
I am also obsessed with trashy romance novels. I am rather ashamed of this, but I just can't get enough of them. I won't however pay full price for them. I'm a big Goodwill book buyer.
As requested, pics of the cutie pup! Poor guy is stuck in a cone for a few more days. So I don't have any good pics without the cone. But doesn't he have the cute look down? Right now it is super cute. He can't navigate with the cone so he keeps running into stuff. It is cute and sad.
On a different note, I am half way through a bottle of wine after a BFN from my unofficial 2WW. I didn't hold out any hope, but I still had to give up alcohol and caffeine just for that teeny tiny chance. So now I can call my RE and get started on the BCP for our July IVF cycle. *Fingers Crossed*
We have moved more compost to fill in the layers and finished the stairs. On the bottom left you can see an alternate set of steps that leads to the bench. Awesome side note about the bench: its a huge piece of concrete. It was buried in the yard. We found it and decided to make a bench. It is ridiculously heavy, but we managed to use boards and straps to get it into place.
We still need to plant grass seed (I should really say clover seed cause we are using micro clover that is supposed to be hardier. It also chokes out the weeds, supposedly.) We also need to finish the pebbles for drainage (you may not be able to see them, but they are a small path along the bottom terrace. Our neighbor's yard can flood and drain into ours so we set up a mini drainage channel).
Once we get grass growing, I'll post another picture.
C. Children wanted: Want 2, but would be happy with 1
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Cali & Lola(cats) Branigan (pup)
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Cinnamon (to help with Insulin Resistance), Cranberry (cause I'm prone ti UTIs), Prenatal, Vitamin D (cause the hubby has autism in the family), & Fish Oil (to help with PCOS symptoms).
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid & Femara- No response to either. On to IVF.
G. Gain: 10lbs-ish, but working to lose more
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): None, my doc does a Hysteroscopy instead.
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Anyone who says "Just relax" or "Just stop trying"
J. Job title: Account Services Rep/Teller in small town bank
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Lily (a cousin stole it a while back, but I may still use it. Finn (odds are no one will steal this one. Its not too common).
L. Length of time TTC: 16 months
M. Miscarriages: None (fingers crossed)
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: 3 OBGYNS 1 RE (I don't have the luxury to change. Where I live is so remote that there is only 1 group in the state.)
O. Ovarian quality: Very lumpy with cysts
P. POAS or wait for AF: AF never comes without BC so POAS
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Stop trying and it will happen."
S. Sperm: Great count & motility, bad morphology.
T. Time you tried naturally: 1 year
U. Uterus quality: Lining is often thin
V. Vagina: Normal I suppose
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Couple of Onsies that I have gathered. Plus a pacifier and room decoration that our as yet unconcieved child got from the hubby's family sent for chirstmas.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Pretty much everyone. I'm not hiding it from anyone.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Hopefully I'll be preggo at that time (see how I'm pretending to be optimistic?)
My birthday started great and went down hill from there.
The hubby planned a morning in Albuquerque. We live almost 2 hours away. He finally broke down and told me why we were going to Abq. There was a huge pet adoption day and the Basset rescue was going to be there. We had discussed it and figured bassets are more mellow so if we could find a smaller one, we could adopt one.
So we drove to Abq and went to the Petsmart. It was crazy!!! Every shelter and rescue in the northern half of New Mexico had dogs there! The sound was horrendous, but the atmosphere was lively. We met 4 bassets. 3 were too big and the one who was small enough was young and had too much energy. As you may remember, we had to give up the pup we got about a month ago because our yard was too small for a pup of her size and energy level.
So we were torn. The bassets seemed too big. What to do now. So we walked around to look at all the other dogs. The hubby wanted to look at a little guy that they said was a daschund mix. I gave in and we took him for a walk. I had my heart set on a hound. But once we took the little guy on a walk, I was sold. He is so sweet and loving. Plus he only weighs 16lbs. We took him into Petsmart and walked him by the cats. He sniffed the cats, but as soon as they hissed, he balked off. Good sign. He was fine around other dogs and other people. So we adopted him.
He was fine riding in the car. He even came with us to Lowe's. We ran into a man with a chihuahua who started yapping like mad. Our little pup just looked at it and walked away without making a sound. Point for him!
He latched onto us immediately. If one of us walked out of his view at the store, he ran around looking for where we had gone.
We stopped and got some toys and a doggy bed. He rode in the dog bed on my lap the whole way home. Another point for him! A dog that can travel with us will be a GREAT find. We drive up to Boulder to visit the hubby's grandparents and down to Alamogordo to visit his sister a couple of times a year. We can bring a dog to both houses, so it will save us the cost of boarding or pet sitting if he can go with us.
So we took him home to meet the cats. We named him Branigan (after Zap Branigan from Futurama-yes I know we are nerds). He and the cats seemed to be fine with each other. He was a bit needy, but thats understandable in a new place. We hung out watching movies and eating cheese cake.
Half way through the cheese cake (neither of us has will power so we only get stuff like that for special occasions) we noticed a spot on the floor. When I wiped it up, I could tell that it was blood. We knew that Branigan had recently been fixed, but we were not given any special instructions so we figured it was long enough ago that it wasn't a big deal. (I will add at this point that I am rather ashamed of myself for not asking more questions when we adopted him. I know better. We saw that his boy parts were swollen and bruised, but the lady there said he had been fixed and was fine.)
We lifted him up and saw that his incision was bleeding quite heavily. It filled up a paper towel very quickly. So we called the animal hospital (in a town an hour away) and they said to bring him right in. So off we go. Luckily Branigan is super mellow and just laid there in hubby's lap with a paper towel pressed to his boy parts for the whole over an hour drive. The hospital had of course moved since we had last been there so we went to the wrong place. It was a stressful drive.
They took him in right away and we waited. For 5 hours!!! They came out to talk to us a couple of times during the 5 hours, but it was still a long time (made longer by the least comfortable benches in the history of the world). By the time we got home it was almost 2:30am. Our poor pup needed to have fluid drained from his scrotum. Luckily it wasn't infected. They gave him an anti-inflamitory injection which helped with swelling. So now we mostly have to keep him from running and jumping. The vet there wanted to do surgery and all sorts of crazy stuff. We said we would take him to our vet this morning.
The hubby took him to the regular vet this morning. They said to just keep an eye on it. They said its mostly bruised. So keep the cone on him and don't let him run around. Glad we didn't go with the surgery option!
So now the fun task of keeping a dog still. I hate having him in a kennel. He will have to be in one while we are at work, but he cries all night if we leave him in over night. So for now he has his dog bed in the middle of our bed and we both have a hand on him all night. It has worked well for the past two nights. Hopefully soon he will be able to move around more.
So that why my birthday was half great and half crappy. And tomorrow I will put up a pic of the pup.