Saturday, May 21, 2011

What IF has Changed for me...

I have been reading a lot of different women's thoughts on how IF has impacted their lives. This has me thinking about what has changed for me. I know that those around me understand that this is a hard path. They are loving and ask how we are doing. They do everything they can, but the one thing they can't really do is truly understand how this makes me feel. So I wanted to put together a list of thing that are impacted by infertility that you don't think about until it happens.

  • One of the big ones is that sex either becomes a chore to be done in a certain way or at a certain time. Now that we have moved onto IVF, this isn't so much of an issue, but when you are trying naturally you don't get to be spontaneous. You have to do it exactly when you have to do it. Even if you have heartburn or feel crummy. It can lead to less than awesome interludes.
  • Huge feelings of inadequacy come into play. Would he love me more if I could get pregnant? Has he ever wished he married someone else? Someone who could give him a baby naturally? (since some of both my and the hubby's family are probably reading this, I want to say that he has never given me any reason to think this, it just pops into your head sometimes)
  • The conversations we have. We still talk about other things, but not as much. IF has invaded my brain and taken over.
  • Shopping. It is really hard to even walk past the baby section of a store without crying. What if I never get to shop there for my baby?
  • Thoughts on pregnancy. I no longer think about morning sickness as something to dread. I can't wait. I hate thowing up, but that pukey feeling means I have a baby in my belly. Bring it on. Even thoughts of the acutal birth aren't as scary. Look at all the stuff I am putting myself through now. If I can handle all these hormones and all this probing (what we affectionately call vaginal ultrasounds in our house) I think I can handle anything (but I do reserve the right to change my mind later :)
  • Excitement about other babies. I currently have three preggo cousins and two preggo good friends. I have to force myself to be excited about their babies. And sometimes, I just can't do it. Planning a baby shower for one of the friends is REALLY tough!
  • My fear of needles. I am now doing blood work super often, allergy shots (not related to IF, but still) and acupuncture weekly. I may turn into a sprinkler if I drink too much water, but needles don't bother me much anymore.
I am sure there are more, but that is what I can think of right now.



  1. Great post, I think all infertiles can relate to these feelings and how they become a new "normal."

  2. Yes, definitely normal to feel this way. Wishing you the best!


  3. :( I have another baby shower next month. It is also hard for me to be happy for another pregnant women, no matter how close to me they are. If this current cycle doesn't work I have a feeling I'm going to be showing up to this baby shower in a bad mood (or drunk).

  4. I'm planning to have a hidden flask for the show I am throwing next month :)

  5. It's so hard to look at all the things infertility changes for you. Good luck in the future.

    ICLW #6

  6. Thank you for sharing these. So many women feel the same but are afraid to say them out loud (or write them)


  7. Thanks for visiting my blog! Totally can relate to everything you said! I think the hardest one is being excited about friends and other people's pregnancies. It just seems so unfair and us so frustrating! Also the daily facebook posts and pictures drive me insane! Thanks for this post!

  8. i understand your feelings!! you are brave for planning a shower...... don't think i could ever do it!

  9. Happy ICLW! Totally agree with you on saying it's hard to be excited for other people. UGH! i have sooooo many pregnant women around me!! It's nuts! I'm looking forward to following you on your journey thru TTC. :) We can become best blog buddies. hehe

  10. Lissie thanks for stopping by! I totally agree with each point you talked about. I feel the same way about all of them! I'm glad to find others on here that are doing acupuncture to see how they do!

  11. Great post! I am suffering from secondary infertility with PCOS, but completely understand those might think that I wouldn't because I have the one, but TTC for your 2nd one is just as heartbreaking and I suffer so much from those same feelings of inadequacy, fake excitement, brain invasion and all of it....visiting from ICLW

  12. Thank you for your post on my blog! I feel the same way about much of what you said. Its amazing how wanting a baby takes over your entire existence.

    Following along!