Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I Didn't Think It Would Still Hurt...

I am learning that being pregnant doesn't magically fix all of the IF feelings. In my head I knew this, but my heart was taken by surprise. The evil FB had some surprises yesterday. A girl that I went to high school with announced her pregnancy. She got married less than a month ago. About ten minutes after I saw that, hubby told me that his cousin's water broke. His cousin is in her early 20s. She just got married a few months ago.

I thought that I would just be able to be happy for these women. Boy was I wrong. The same old feelings started up. Its not fair. That was way too easy for them. Why not me? I messaged hubby and told him that I was surprised how much stuff like that still hurts. No matter what happens. No matter how many kids I end up having, I'm infertile. That will never change and never go away. I hope it will dull with time, but 6 weeks and 6 days are not enough time apparently.

I wonder if I will feel differently when my belly starts to pop out? Or will it take until I have a baby in my arms? Will it be longer? I hope it isn't too long because we are in that time of life where everyone around us is having babies. I guess almost 30 is that time for everyone.

On another topic, man I wish I could get control of my emotions! It has been so long since my emotions have been totally my own. Since before we started Clomid. The scary part is that it will probably be more than a year before I get some control again.

Currently everything makes me cry! A recent country song about how if heaven weren't so far away we could visit our loved ones. Sappy romantic movies. Futurama made me cry last night!?!?! Granted, it was the episode where Fry's dog was fossilized and it show him sitting out front of the pizza shop waiting his whole life for Fry to come back when he get frozen. I'm getting all weepy just thinking about it.

I'm not surprised that I'm crying a lot. With hubby's grandpa, my grandma and hubby's job situation we have a lot going on. But I'm crying at STUPID stuff! Chock it up as a pregnancy symptom. I do love those, but its annoying. My other two major symptoms are still nausea and breast changes. I looked in the mirror this morning after I got out of the shower. My nipples are HUGE! When did that happen? I know they were a bit bigger, but now they are literally huge! I think I'm going to have to shop for new bras soon. I hate bra shopping with a firey passion! Usually I know what fits and order it online.

Oh well. Guess I better get to work. Stuff to do.


  1. I doubt that I'll ever stop feeling that way about pregnancy announcements and such. It's totally normal. Pregnancy does not erase the pain of infertility, and you're not alone.

    And that episode of Futurama? It always gets me.

  2. Here from iclw. Congrats on your pregnancy! I just had my uvf baby and have been wondering the same thing - when does infertility stop hurting? I think never. But it does hurt less now. Hope it gets better for you a few months down the line.

  3. I struggled with feeling stemming from Infertility all through my pregnancy even through my labor.

    No matter what I did Infertility followed me though my entire pregnancy! What you are feeling is normal.

    Happy ICLW