The Best & Worst Year Yet, but 2012 May Take That Title Too

I think 2011 was the best and worst year ever. I got pregnant after two years of trying and many more years of worrying before we started officially trying (I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17 so that's 10 years of knowing what I was in store for before we started trying).

But before I got pregnant, we went through several rounds of frustrating treatments (frustrating in that they did nothing other than make me a crazy hormonal mess). Both hubby & I had our minds blown when they jumped us from Letrozole to IVF. Jumped right past injects with IUI. We found out that hubby only had 2% morphology.

Our IVF went great til retrieval then I had crazy insane pain from them having a rough time that lead to OHSS (not severe, but enough to make me miserable). Our car broke down that afternoon on the way home from the RE so instead of heading to bed, I helped my hubby change the water pump in our Jeep after taking a very long, very bumpy ride in a tow truck. We got home about 12 hours after the docs let us leave. That may be the most miserable day of my life, well maybe second to the day of my deviated septum repair.

The day of transfer, we headed to the RE expecting to hear that we had lots of great blasts since we had 13 eggs that fertilized. When we arrived, we were told that only 2 had made it to blast stage and even those were not the best quality.

But somehow we got pregnant. Somehow we made it to today which has me sitting here on the couch, six months pregnant feeling my little boy kicking away in my belly. I keep telling myself that I made it through all of that so I can make it through this. But now, I am worried not just for myself. Now I have the baby to think about. I didn't realize how much more stressful that would make this job situation.

As we speak, hubby and I are making plans to sell our house and most of our stuff in less than two months if he doesn't have a job by then. Luckily for us, we purchased our house for such a low price that we have a good bit of equity so we should be able to live on it for 6 months at least. We can stay with hubby's grandma if needed. Hubby's grandpa passed away not long ago so she would be happy to have the company. And we can help her with a lot of the things around the house and make things better there for her. Its not the worst thing that could happen by any means, but it does change things a lot!

Our plan was for me to be able to quit my job 3 or 4 weeks before my due date. I know lots of women work right up to the end, but we were hoping to give me a break before the baby comes. But if hubby doesn't have a job, I have to work as long as possible to keep the insurance going. So we would probably list our house in Feb but with the stipulation that it won't really sell til after the baby comes. Then we would move 7 hours away to his grandma's with a newborn. I am so scared that this is what is going to happen. And I have no clue what we would do when my 12 weeks of FMLA time runs out. With PCOS I am uninsurable by private insurance, but we should at least be able to get some coverage for the baby.

I feel so bad for my hubby. He isn't sleeping well. He is so stressed and I can tell the even though he doesn't say it, he feels like he is failing us. It breaks my heart. He keeps telling me that no matter what happen, he promises that this isn't forever. That things will get better. I have no doubt that that is true. I know we will make it through this, but man is it hard. I look around the house and know that we may only be here for a few more months. We may only have all of our stuff for a few more months. I really don't know how to make this better. I really wish this whole recession thing would end so he could get a flipping job!

Okay, now my rant or bawlfest (yep, I'm trying to keep the bawling quiet cause hubby went to bed early in hopes of getting a good night of sleep) is over. If you know me in real life, please don't make too big of a deal of this. We are just trying to roll with the punches and do what we need to do. For now, I am just looking forward to my baby showers knowing that no matter what, our baby will have everything he needs. And most importantly, if you know hubby, don't let him know how much I'm stressing. He of course knows, but it just seems to stress him more if he really sees it.