Blobby has a Heartbeat!!!

Today we had our 2nd ultrasound. Everything is going great! Blobby looks just right. The heart rate is perfect. 146 bpm. I can honestly say that I wasn't very worried. And that is only true because I am feeling crummy most days so I know its still going good.

I got all teary hearing that little heart beat. Why does it seem so much more real now? I still forget that I'm preggo a lot, but when I remember that heartbeat, it feels real again. Even hubby got choked up! Which of course made me even more teary.

I'm still terrified, but I think I'm going to let the cat out of the bag to my family. My folks & siblings know, but not aunts & uncles or my grandma. I'm only gonna tell now so that my grandma gets to know. But as soon as she knows, so will EVERYONE in the southern half of Texas. I'm not sure she does it. She lives alone, but everyone around calls her. It may take a bit longer since she doesn't have a phone in her room at the nursing home yet, but all of the aunts & uncles come visit, so I give it a week. I told one of my aunts because her daugher also used ART (advanced reproductive technology) to conceive. Her baby is due next month.

Well now feel free to look away if you don't want to see our ultrasounds.

Our Blobby is the white shape inside of the black jelly bean.

If you make this pic bigger you might be able to see the heart rate at the bottom. There are little white lines that show the woosh woosh we heard.

Look Out...I'm Grumpy

Just in case you were planning on getting pregnant at the same time as one spouse is in job limbo and two of your grandparents are in failing health, I would encourage you to reconsider. Or at least take a trip to some remote spot so that you don't kill someone.

Combining pregnancy hormones with this much stress is a bad idea!!! I am currently alternating between being very sad (aka sobbing my face off) and being totally pissed (aka super grumpy at the world).

Hubby and I jokingly talked about how we would totally get pregnant this time since his job is uncertain. We compared it to the likely-hood of a teen getting knocked up in the back seat of a sports car. Its an inevitability. But the whole time we did the IVF stuff, I thought that he would be converted to staff at any minute. How could he not be? The project can't keep going without him. Literally. So why do they keep jerking him around?

I prepared myself for the pregnancy stuff. I'm trying not to complain too much about the nausea (especially since I would be freaked if I didn't have it). I'm trying not to let my grumpiness spill over at work (failed on that today, but usually do fine). But you can't prepare for the extra crap that life throws at you. I'm trying not to stress. I getting scared that being this stressed could cause problems with Blobby (yes we are going to keep calling it that until it exhibits some visible features, he he he).

I know that worrying that I'm too stressed is completely counter productive, but man how do I stop? I am trying to lower my stress with little things. I'm working overtime this week so thats an extra $150 to pay on a credit card. Next week is our heartbeat ultrasound, so we have that to look forward to. Hubby bought me a beautiful necklace when he went to Boulder to visit his grandpa. His grandpa is doing much better. He is able to sit up and talk to everyone. He still isn't out of the woods, but things are looking up for the moment. My grandma has a couple of ladies that she knows in her nursing home, so hopefully she will start having a better time and not be sad that her kids aren't with her 24/7 (she tried really hard to get one of my aunts to move in with her, but my aunt has other ailing relatives that she cares for in another city, so my dad and uncle took turns visiting and cooking for her everyday).

Maybe if I keep reminding myself of these things, I can get out of this funk and be happy again.

We Wrote a Book!

Hubby and I have a tendency to plan crazy schemes to allow us to quit working and do something fun. One of these is that we wrote a children's book. We hunted for agents and eventually gave up. We like it and we know its good, so who needs them!

Hubby (a computer genus, well at least compared to me) has gotten it e-published. Currently the idea isn't to quit our jobs. Its to pay off our IVF!!! We will be paying for it for the next 3 years! Our state is one of the pricier places to get IVF because there is only one doc in the state who does it!

So if you are in the market for a cute kids book, with added humor for the grown-ups, here's the book for you!

Tails of Socrates: The Search for Shorty Beard's Treasure

Its available in lots of formats and its only $3.99!

I Didn't Think It Would Still Hurt...

I am learning that being pregnant doesn't magically fix all of the IF feelings. In my head I knew this, but my heart was taken by surprise. The evil FB had some surprises yesterday. A girl that I went to high school with announced her pregnancy. She got married less than a month ago. About ten minutes after I saw that, hubby told me that his cousin's water broke. His cousin is in her early 20s. She just got married a few months ago.

I thought that I would just be able to be happy for these women. Boy was I wrong. The same old feelings started up. Its not fair. That was way too easy for them. Why not me? I messaged hubby and told him that I was surprised how much stuff like that still hurts. No matter what happens. No matter how many kids I end up having, I'm infertile. That will never change and never go away. I hope it will dull with time, but 6 weeks and 6 days are not enough time apparently.

I wonder if I will feel differently when my belly starts to pop out? Or will it take until I have a baby in my arms? Will it be longer? I hope it isn't too long because we are in that time of life where everyone around us is having babies. I guess almost 30 is that time for everyone.

On another topic, man I wish I could get control of my emotions! It has been so long since my emotions have been totally my own. Since before we started Clomid. The scary part is that it will probably be more than a year before I get some control again.

Currently everything makes me cry! A recent country song about how if heaven weren't so far away we could visit our loved ones. Sappy romantic movies. Futurama made me cry last night!?!?! Granted, it was the episode where Fry's dog was fossilized and it show him sitting out front of the pizza shop waiting his whole life for Fry to come back when he get frozen. I'm getting all weepy just thinking about it.

I'm not surprised that I'm crying a lot. With hubby's grandpa, my grandma and hubby's job situation we have a lot going on. But I'm crying at STUPID stuff! Chock it up as a pregnancy symptom. I do love those, but its annoying. My other two major symptoms are still nausea and breast changes. I looked in the mirror this morning after I got out of the shower. My nipples are HUGE! When did that happen? I know they were a bit bigger, but now they are literally huge! I think I'm going to have to shop for new bras soon. I hate bra shopping with a firey passion! Usually I know what fits and order it online.

Oh well. Guess I better get to work. Stuff to do.

My Grandma & Grandpa

I started this post nearly two weeks ago. Since then I am a bit less worried about my Grandma and more worried about my hubby's Grandpa. We have known for a couple of weeks that his Grandpa was in the hospital. We just found out today that he is now in ICU. He has been in such bad shape that they had to restart his heart. In the past few hours things have gotten a bit better. They are now talking weeks or months as long as there is no brain damage from his time before his heart was restarted. 

My poor hubby doesn't know how to handle this. He still has all four of his grandparents. The only other time that I have seen my hubby cry is when we lost our pup Socrates. I wish I could do something to help him. Please think happy thoughts or pray or whatever it is that you do. I really think hubby needs a chance to go see his Grandpa at least one more time. I hope he gets one.

And not back to my original blog...

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It sucks to be one of the youngest children of the youngest child. My grandma is 94. My dad was her youngest. We lost my grandpa years ago and it seems more and more like we will lose grandma soon. I am terrified. Losing grandma will be so much worse than any of the others. She is my last grandparent. It will be like losing them all again. I am so sad that none of my kids will get to know their great grandparents. I know that a lot of people do not, but my grandparents are so very different than anyone else I know. I really want my grandma to at least get to see my baby. We are waiting to tell her about the baby until after we hear a heartbeat since she will be so excited that she will tell everyone. We originally planned to wait until the end of the first trimester, but I am too worried. I want her to at least know about the baby in case she doesn't make it that long. Her health has been failing so much lately. She doesn't seem to want to go on.

Both of my grandparents are adorable. Grandpa looked just like the guy in the American Gothic painting, only happier. He wore blue & white striped overalls everyday except Sundays. Grandma made herself  homemade dresses out of cute calico prints with pretty ricrack trim.

I grew up living next door to grandma & grandpa. I got off the school bus everyday at their house. Grandma would have some sort of tasty food ready for me. She made homemade bread every other week or so along with homemade cinnamon rolls and super tasty buttery rolls. Some times it would be crumb cake (coffee cake with a cinnamon crumble on top). After a snack, grandpa and I would go out and feed the cows. Did I mention I grew up on a farm? It was a GREAT way to grow up!!

Both of my grandparents would have been perfectly happy living in the 1800s. They both had that "work til its done" type of work ethic although grandma never had a job outside of the home. Instead she ran the house and sewed (a quilt for each major event, i.e. high school graduation, college graduation, marriage & first baby, for all 12 of her grand kids!)

Grandma is now in a nursing home, newly as of this week. We are hoping that being around more people will be good for her. She knows several of the ladies there from a long time ago. Right now she is alternating between good and bad days. Dad is going to call me this week when he goes to visit so I can talk to her. They haven't had a chance to install a phone line yet.

Now I have a few pictures to show you all...

This is me & Grandma on her 90th bday 4 years ago.

 Me & Grandpa when I was little eating some of Grandma's tasty food.

Me in a homemade dress that Grandma made for me. She had one that was just like it.

6 Weeks!!!

Blobby is officially at 4 weeks which puts me at 6 weeks pregnant! It seems like a strange way to count, but I guess it make sense for the fertiles :)

I learned a very important lesson today. Just say no to the chinese buffet!!! I am so stuffed that I feel terrible! I so need to stick to the many small meals rule. I am not by nature a snacker. I think I used to be (as in when I was growing up at home), but in my many efforts to shed the pounds over the years, snacks have gone away. So now it seems so strange to always have my stash. It is almost like my  stomach can never be empty or full. If it is empty, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, my tummy gets very upset. If it gets too full, I start to feel nauseous.

Now that all the directly preggo related stuff is out of the way, I need to stress out a bit...and to those of you in our family, don't give hubby a hard time about this. He is super stressed! And please don't mention my scared rant either!

Some background before I get to the really scary part. I'm a bank teller. I make very little money. I used to be a public school teacher. I made pretty good money then. When we moved from Texas to New Mexico I basically took a 20k pay cut. But the hubby's job more than made up for that. He went from being a broke grad student to a physicist post-doc at a national laboratory. Scientist at national labs make good money.

Post-docs are generally only for two years. This coming October will be the end of hubby's 3rd year. Since the end of the second year his bosses have been promising that he will probably be able to be converted to a full staff member. If this happens, his salary will be about the same as both of our salaries right now. So I can stay home with Blobby. That has been our plan since we started trying. He has been assured along the way that it will totally happen.

Well October is 2 months away!!! And currently they are still saying that they want to convert him, but right now there just isn't the money. They can keep him for a 4th year as a post-doc. If this is what happens, I will have to try to find a better job so that we can afford to have Blobby in daycare. Currently my job would barely cover daycare and our insurance. I would basically have no paycheck since a good bit goes to our FSA and a good bit to my 401K. Hubby also puts lots into his 401K. So I guess we could take that down to a lower level for a while, but I hate to do it. It seems like one of those things that once you stop, you never start back up.

So basically my stress is this: hubby's job ends in two months. They say they will extend his post-doc, but they have also been saying that he will be converted to staff for the past year so I tend not to believe anything that "they" say. I am now in full badger mode. "How many job applications have you done today? Only 3! That's not enough!" (I really say "Hey baaaybeee, have you done some applications? Oh good!") I also told him that with this short of notice, he should look here at the lab or in San Antonio and Dallas where we have family that could help us move or that we could stay with. I'm trying not to show him how scared I am cause as it is he hasn't been sleeping much, but holy crap! I'm terrified!!!

Okay, now its off to look for higher paying jobs just in case!

A Few More Things...

I forgot to mention that as expected, my ovaries are still HUGE. They dwarf the baby!!! I have to continue the Lovenox because of this, but the blood flow looks good so now worries there. Also I get to go off the Estrace (Estrogen) and go down to half the dose of my PIO injections. I was hoping I could stop the injections, but at least with a half dose it will last lots longer. That stuff is pretty pricy! And of course not covered by insurance!

So all in all, everything is as good as could be expected. Yay for things working! I'm going to try not to get used to it. I'm sure my body will figure out a way to screw things up!

On the pregnancy sypmtoms front, I think I have them all!!!

• I still haven't started throwing up yet, but the queasiness is starting earlier and earlier each day. Currently it runs from around 10:30am to 7pm. So basically my whole work day!
• I think my boobs have started growing. My bra was a bit tight, but I'm not busting out the top yet. My nipples twinge at very random moments. They hurt most of the time. Hubby says they are darker, but I don't see it.
• I'm sleeping around 11 hours a night. I usually go to bed around 8:30pm! And I may start taking a nap at lunch.
• I have an upset stomach most of the time. Could be pregnancy. Could be Metformin.

I was anxious to get some symptoms. I'll be more careful of what I wish for next time. I don't mind these symptoms, but piled ontop of the grossness of the Hyper-Stim that is still lingering, I feel pretty gross and none of my pants fit! I'm totally confused by that cause I have actually lost several pounds. Oh well. I'm back to wearing all skirts and dresses like I used to. Plus its a good excuse for shopping.

We Have a Blobby!!!

We had our first ultrasound this morning. We officially have a little blobby! Too early for a heartbeat, but everything looks good. I'll try to post the ultrasound pictures later, but there isn't much to see. The pics are very grainy.

They gave me the option to come back in a week and see the heartbeat or to wait and come back in two weeks. After much mental deliberation, I have opted for the two weeks. I'm sure that once next Tuesday rolls around I will be kicking myself in the butt. My thought process was to wait another week so that I can see more changes in our little blobby. Maybe next time the pictures will show a bit more.

Now back to work....

ETA:

Holy cow! This is my 100th post!!!

Fun with Blood Thinner

If you don't wanna see some nasty bruises, you may want to skip this one. I'm mainly documenting all this fun nonsense for myself.

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If you are still here, the pic below is the biggest of my belly bruises. I was trying to get a pic of all the bruises, but didn't want to show that much of belly :) This one was SO much worse a while back. It was so bad I took a pic and texted it to my mom (who is an RN) just to make sure something wasn't seriously wrong. Thanks Lovenox!

 The next one is super blurry. We had a bit of an adventure yesterday. We went to a concert that started at 8pm in a town 2 hours away. I do my shots at 7pm. So we got to do the shots in the parking lot of a Taco Cabana. The Lovenox went okay except for a big spurt that shot out from the altitude chance from home and the parking lot (about 1500 feet difference in altitude). For the PIO injection the needle wasn't attached all the way so when the hubby started injecting it, it busted all over me. After several profanities from the hubby, he pulled the needle out and we started cleaning up. He then reloaded a new one and tried again. Something about the fun of the explosive shot made it bruise like crazy. Plus it bled extra so I also have the nice pink band aid shape since the sticky stuff breaks me out. Enjoy!

Now on to more fun stuff!!! Last night we saw Aaron Lewis of Staind in a solo, acoustic concert. It was EPIC!!! For one, I love Staind and I love their songs when done on acoustic. It was amazing. And it turns out that Aaron Lewis is hilarious. He was snarky and made funny replies to all the silly stuff morons shouted. Then he said he was going to do a cover song that encompassed Tool, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and several others. Everyone was totally excited. We had no clue what he was going to sing. Then he starts off in a girly voice singing Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. It was too funny, but he actually did a surprisingly good version!

Oh and in case you were wondering, I'm 5 weeks & 2 days today! I totally forgot that I had a digital preggo test. When I saw it of course I had to use it to see it say...

Not that I was worried cause I'm still feeling like I may puke at any moment for the second half of everyday. Thank goodness for mornings or I would get nothing done! I have also had to start eating every two hours or so. If I don't, I get very queasy and my stomach yells at me. So far nothing has been too bad. Ginger ale helps. 

And now I'm gonna go lay on the couch some more. If I don't move, I'm not queasy.

A Strange New World

I guess I'll start with the typical. I totally understand if any of you ladies want to ignore my posts or unfollow me. I will admit that I have done it, too. So don't worry about hurting my feelings. Do what you need to do to make it through. I'm still reading all of your blogs, just not commenting much. I feel like a comment from me might hurt more than help. So just know that no matter what, I'm rooting for all of you and sending happy thoughts your way each day. I'm going to try to not become one of those annoying pregnant ladies who just complains about my symptoms. But we write what we know. And currently I know that the bathroom tile is very cold when I'm hugging the toilet.

So now on to my rambling thoughts for the day...

I feel like I am in limbo. I'm not pregnant enough to go looking at baby stuff. I'm still terrified that something will go wrong at any moment (and I'm betting that's not going away anytime soon). Its too early to talk about names or plan a nursery.

But at the same time, I am pregnant, so I don't need to schedule my next cycle. I'm not sure how to be anymore. I'm so used to scheduling my life around RE appointments. What do I do now?

I have read very similar posts on many newly pregnant women's blogs. I always thought how strange it was. Once your pregnant everything is great. You should be happy 24/7. And there is some of that. Underneath it all, no matter what, I am ecstatic. Happy doesn't even cover it. But then I tell myself, don't get attached. That will make it harder if something goes wrong. But who am I kidding. I'm attached. We have already started talking to the baby.

I would give so much to be one of the blissfully ignorant fertiles out there, who pee on a stick and immediately go out shopping for baby clothes. Wouldn't that be awesome?

I did admit to the hubby that I have a couple of baby things hidden around. Things that were just too cute to pass up. Things that I told myself were for someone else and then conveniently forgot about when it was time to give them a gift. Hubby now calls me a little squirrel since I have hidden treats around the house.

It just feels so strange. We have worked toward something for 21 months (really longer cause it took me years to convince hubby that he was ready). And now we are here and I'm not sure what to do. Its an odd feeling.

And It Begins...

I think today may be the day I puke. Yesterday I was feeling queasy, but I figured it might just be what I ate. Today I'm sure. It started mid-afternoon and by the time I got home from work I was sure I would lose my lunch.

Isn't this supposed to start around week 6? I'm not complaining. I know that morning sickness tends to mean a lower miscarriage rate, but still. I'm at 4weeks and 5 days. I was expecting a bit of a reprieve.

Oh well. Here we go. A real pregnancy!

Yay!

3rd beta is 204! Which gives me a doubling time of about 51 hours. Much better than the 60something hours from the last beta. I am much happier.

And best of all, my first ultrasound is going to be a week from tomorrow!!! They are doing it a bit early since my numbers didn't go up as quickly as expected. Fingers crossed that everything goes well. Its gonna be a long week!

Beta #2

77

Not happy, but they are retesting on Monday. Trying to be optimistic. Its only 10dp5dt so I'm trying not to stress.

Hurry Up!!!

Typically my RE's office gets test results from the lab around 1pm. It is now 2:30 and my blood has not even made it to the processing lab yet!!! I'm going nuts!

I live in a small town sort of in the mountains. Its about an hour drive to Santa Fe and another 45 minutes to Albuquerque. The processing lab is in Albuquerque. I had my blood drawn in Santa Fe. There is a lab in my town, but when I got my test to see if the trigger shot worked, it was marked rush, but they did not process it that way. Plus I have a friend who has had to have her blood work redone 4 times at the lab in our town. So basically I do not trust them.

Typically the courier picks up from all of the labs by 11:00am then heads back to Abq so the processing lab should have the blood by 12:30. There is currently a LOT of road construction between here and Abq. I saw cars totally stopped on one of the highways since it was closed down to one lane. I know things like that are unavoidable, but still it SUCKS!!!

So now 2nd beta yet. I'll post again once I get the results. They better come in before my RE's office closes!

Well....

B....F....P!!!!!

Holy crap I can't believe it!!! My Hcg is 46 so we want to see close to 100 on Friday. The nurse said with the first beta they look for around 50 and that pretty darn close to 50!

And my stupid husband isn't answering the phone! So you guys get to know before him :) I can't believe he isn't answering. He totally knew we were getting results today!

I was worried, but my body has been trying to convince me. I am totally bloated and have to pee ALL the time. My boobs feel...weird for lack of a better word. The hubby claims they are bigger, but I don't see it yet. My nipples got huge when I started progesterone injections so they aren't an indicator.

Unfortunately I still have to keep doing the Lovenox injections. Maybe at my appointment in two weeks he will let me stop. I wanna take a picture of my stomach, but it might scare people.

Well now I should get back to work. Thanks for all of the happy thoughts! I lots can still go wrong, but for right now, nothing can bring me down!!! I love you all! And thats not just the uber-happiness, its totally true!

Worried

3.5 hours til my results should be in. I POASed again, anxious to see a darker line. But I saw less of a line. Now I'm nervous.

I Must Have Lost My Mind

Its really faint and you probably can't see it, but I swear there is a second pink line there. Hubby saw it and so did our friend who is staying with us (poor guy was home before hubby so I made him look at it and compare it to a picture online).

If you click it you might be able to see it!

Maybe there is a change?

Loosing Hope

I'm quickly loosing hope in this IVF cycle. BFN this morning. Beta tomorrow. The space where the second pink line should be has never looked whiter.

I Didn't Resist, but the Jury's Still Out

I woke up extra early this morning so I could stop by the store and pick up a pack of HPTs. I live in a super small town and don't want everyone to know that I'm POASing so I did the fun hide it under everything else and by 6 extra things to cover the box thing. I checked out and headed to work. By the time I had a chance to run to the bathroom I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head!

I wasn't too surprised to see a BFN. But I was super pissed off when I discovered that the box of test that I got was WAY expired!!! So who know! Maybe it was a real BFN or maybe not.

I went back to the store and found the one checker lady that I love and who I have taked to about some of my IF issues. She helped me exchange the tests with no fuss. I could just picture them having to call someone else over as a huge line formed behind me.

So basically I have decided to pretend that I didn't POAS today. I'll let ya'll know what happens tomorrow with non-expired tests!