Thursday, June 23, 2011

Who in the Heck was I Before This Started?

I have been thinking a lot about the person that I used to be. The person that I was before my first RE appointment. The person that I was before stopping birth control.

I have had my current job for a shorter time than our TTC time. So I feel like a totally different person. I changed jobs in large part because I was planning to have a baby and my previous job was immensely stressful so that was not particularly conducive. I figured that by now we would have a baby or at least be preggo so I would be staying home soon anyway (our plan is for me to stay at home with the baby for at least the first year).

But now looking back, my life barely resembles the life of the woman I was before TTC. I was the director of a preschool. I love kids. I love teaching. I fell into the director position by accident. I was originally a teacher at the school. I volunteered to be a teacher representative to the Board of Directors. In the end, knowing all the behind the scenes stuff from the Board led me to volunteer for the job. In many ways I loved it and in many ways I hated it. I mainly hated it because I had staff members who essentially set out to make my life a living hell (I'm gonna leave it at that because it still makes my blood boil).

It was a real job. A job that I was proud to tell people about. Now I say "I'm just a bank teller." I went to school to be a teacher. I am not using my degree at all. Two months ago my teaching license expired. I will probably never teach in a public school setting again. And that makes me very sad, but my feet just hurt too much when I teach.

I don't really like my job. It is not challenging at all (well dealing with the customers is challenging, but not in the way I want). I want to find something different. But I don't want to get a new job and then quit after 8 months because I had a baby. I am sort of embarrassed to talk about my job to extended family on my dad's side. All of my cousins have degrees, some bachelors and some graduate degrees even a couple of MDs. So being almost 30 and a freaking bank teller is depressing. I changed jobs when we moved to New Mexico because there were no teacher openings at the time. I moved from art to preschool. I was still doing something that I loved.

Now I am so consumed by my desire to have a baby that I have no clue where I would look for another job. I just keep thinking, when we have a baby I can stay home, then I don't have to figure out what I want to do.

Totally aside from my job, I'm having a hard time with how I spend my free time. My best friend locally is due in a month. She is not crafty at all so I have been helping her make decorations for the baby's room. I have also been making baby quilts. I have a lot of close friends who are either due within the next month or just found out that they are preggo. I guess that's what happens when you are nearly 30. My cousin who is closest in age is also preggo so I'm making her a quilt too.

So in recent months almost all of my time has been spent on baby stuff. Just not my baby. All I want to do is prepare for my baby. But then I also don't want to jinx myself. I have all of these ideas of stuff to do, but I don't want to do it until I'm actually preggo. So what do I do now?

I am trying to reclaim myself. The self that used to exist. I need to get back to doing art for myself. I need to stop making baby quilts and start working on my own quilt again. I need to figure out who I am, just in case we don't get preggo. Just in case my world crashes down around me, I need to know who it is that I need to rebuild.


  1. This is such a beautifully written post. I'm sorry things have turned out this way. Sometimes I look back on myself before TTC and I can see how much I'm changing, too. I think you put it perfectly, the part about reclaiming matter what happens, it's important to find yourself again. Just don't give up yet. I really do know how much this hurts, but hang in there! I'm rooting for you!

  2. what a beautifully written post, it touched me so much. I am definitely not the same person from before TTC, but in some ways that is a good thing. I hope you can find yourself again soon.

    here via ICLW

  3. Wow.. I feel like I can relate to this so much. I completely understand becomming this whole other person while trying to have a baby. It can be all-consuming, and I've not even be at it for that long! All I can suggest is to make a list of some non-baby crafts and projects to work on, even if they are gifts for someone.. try to shift your focus with that particular outlet so that it can Be an outlet. I believe you know who you are, or at least you know who you want to be - you want to be a mother. It might not be happening on the timeline you expected, but that certainly doesn't mean that you are currently only defined by your job. You are a great friend, an amazing part of an extended family, and you are doing everything in your power to make your dream come true. Just keep believing it will happen; we all believe in you!!

  4. This was such a good post! And you made me wonder how I've changed as well. Ugh why is infertility so unfair?? Why do some people have it so easy!?! I'll never understand. Just know ur time is coming so u can do all those amazing baby ideas u have :) big hugs to you!

  5. Thanks so much for visiting my blog (ICLW #79). Man, you sound just like me when it comes to being creative for *other* people's babies and not my own. I've crocheted blanket after jacket after booties for 6 years....all for others. I want it to be my time, too. Go for it, girl! I bet suddenly your job won't seem so mundane, and you'll feel like you're moving toward something rather than feeling stuck. Much luck to you!

  6. What you said really resonated with me...the battle to be yourself and be happy with that, no matter where your life journey takes you---it's so hard. Even when you get what you want (or think you want), this is still such a hard thing to do. Good luck on your journey--both in becoming a mother and finding yourself.
    ICLW 33

  7. Loved this post!! It touched me in so many ways and I know many women can relate! I've been thinking about all the things I've kinda "let go" bc of this journey too. Have been thinking of ways to up my spirits! I'm sorry you're feeling down about your job. I feel like infertility makes us question so much in our life and strips us of all the wonderful aspects of our life that we still have. It doesn't define makes us stronger and wiser. I wish I had something amazing to say to help you feel better with your job situation and all I can say is this, no matter what you do, what position you have, I know that when the day comes (and it will) that you hold your baby in your arms...nothing else will matter because you will have the most beautiful dream job ever...of being an amazing mother! Xo
    Ps-just to make u laugh, I'm a glorified toilet scrubber :) and I'm serious :)
    Lots of love,

  8. Wow. I relate to this post so much. I feel like we have tons in common. I'm also a teacher and loved the preschool age. I miss it like crazy but have no idea when or if I'll go back. I left my teaching job when I knew that I couldn't finish a full year because hubby and I would be moving. I took a "just for now" job that went on much longer then I planned because my boss offered to let me work from home once we moved. I thought I could keep it while I looked for a teaching job but then started the infertility journey and couldn't figure out how to teach and go to doctors appointments and such. So I kept working at the "just for now" job and it felt like life was on hold. I lost a lot of myself during that time and am just starting to feel like I know myself again. I think it is so smart to start the process of reclaiming yourself now. Good for you for realizing that it needs to happen, because it took me much too long. And any job where you deal with that many people successfully is not "just" a job, it's an art form. Not everyone can do and do it well, so kudos to you!