Monday, March 14, 2011

Surrounded by Pregnancy

I feel as though I am surrouned by pregnancy. Am I just noticing it more because I can't seem to make it happen for myself? Am I just at the age where all of my friends are getting pregnant? I'm almost 29.

My dad's fiancee's daughter is about to pop with her 2nd. She didn't want or plan either. I have no clue if they have the same father. My dad & his fiancee will probably end up raising both kids. She openly says that she wishes she was able to have her tubes tied, but in Texas you must have 3 kids or be over 25 (don't get me started on the idiocy of this rule!). She isn't even 22 yet. She doesn't have the mental fortitude it would require to take a pill each day. I am to the point of offering to pay for one of those implantable birth control devices. Someone has to stop this.

I also have a cousin who has two already. She is only 6 months younger than me so 2 kids doesn't seem like a big deal til you learn that your oldest is almost 11. She is schitzophrenic. It would be best for all involved if she didn't reproduce. I cannot even imagine the horror of having her for a mom. The last time I saw her was when I went to my aunt's (her mom's) house to pick up my Grandma. It was her nephew's birthday. My grandma came over for the party. She and her sister got in a fight because she couldn't handle the fact that she wasn't getting all of the attention. She was jealous of a one year old. The fight got physical and she pushed a table at her sister, but my grandma was in the way. I had to take my grandma to the ER. She had the very thin skin of the elderly and the table scraped her arm so she had a big open sore. It took MONTHS to heal. How can someone who would be so jealous of a baby that they would hurt their grandma (even though it was not on purpose I still will not forgive her. My grandma did, but I think its unforgivable) be allowed to have babies? It is so unfair!

I have come to fear getting on Facebook. It seems like everyday another friend posts a picture of their pregnant belly or their smiling baby. My best friend here in New Mexico is almost 6 month preggo. Its her first kiddo and she has no clue what to do. She is relying on me since I have worked with kids forever. On Saturday I went to a giant Resale (huge city wide garage sale for kids stuff) with her because she wouldn't have gone alone. It was REALLY hard! Every other woman I saw was pregnant or carrying a baby.

I am trying very hard to be supportive. I know its not her fault that she managed to get pregnant so quickly (she started trying about 6 months after I did). I don't want my infertility to ruin her friendship, but she keeps telling me to relax and it will happen. I want to hit her everytime she says that. She is being very supportive and always wants to know about my doctor visits and whats the status of my treatments. But seriously if she tells me to relax one more time, I may loose it!

All of these things are happening around me. All of them make me angry. Angry at the people involved, angry at the world in general. I am having trouble keeping the anger inside. I am afraid the anger is going to spill out and end up hurting one or more of my relationships. Anger at my dad's step kid would easily hurt our relationship or at least my relationship with his fiancee. I am hoping that by letting some of the anger out here I can keep it from leaking out.

So to anyone reading this, sorry if the anger comes out a lot here. I feel like this is the only safe place to let the anger out.


  1. Hi Lizzie - I found your blog on the Lost and Found page. My blog is also new and posted there -

    It seems like you and I are going through very similar things at the same time. This is WAY harder than I ever expected. It really does seem like everyone is pregnant.. and they don't realize how lucky they have it.

    Good luck with everything. If you have any advice, I'm all ears.

  2. Thanks for commenting. It is definitely harder than I expected. I thought I prepared myself, but I was wrong.